How to weigh yourself then take your bathroom scales to a remote forest and bury them where they will never be found

STEPPED on the bathroom scales, then managed to glimpse their evil numbers over your gut? Here’s what to do next: 

Step one: pick up the scales and wrap them in a towel

The horrendous numbers you saw on the scale must be hidden. So, like when the kids threw Jumanji in the river, wrap them so you can no longer see them, and more importantly, they cannot see you. Making them harder to identify slows the curse being passed to someone else.

Step two: begin a month long hike into the darkest forest you can find

Find an area of deep forest; Germany is good. Take the most complicated path you can find. Go in circles, through rivers, underground. If possible, abseil. All these movements will disorientate the scales so they cannot find their way home. Go so far into the forest you’re in Narnia. That is where we bury our scales.

Step three: dig a hole so deep you can see the mantle of the earth

Use everything and anything at your disposal to dig, dig, dig. Use your hands if you must, a shovel, your face, a JCB backhoe loader, whatever you have. When you see molten rock, drop the scales. Watch them melt. Let that slow smile of satisfaction spread across your face, your quest finally over.

Step four: burn everything you own

Burn your clothes, your possessions, your car, and anything else that might have been tainted by the scales’s lies. Scrub yourself until your skin is raw, then douse yourself in disinfectant. Lie down in your empty home, free of the burden at last. Then hear an ominous beep from the bathroom and realise the scales are in there.

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I own everything with my face on, and four other laws the Queen pushed through

THE Queen is strictly neutral on all matters political, except for when she chooses not to be. Here are five of the thousand laws Her Majesty has vetted for parliament: 

Press Reform act, or f**king up her in-laws

Suggested press reform in 2012 was blocked by our monarch, who can D-notice any story she likes and has limited press freedom to protect Charles’s cock and Kate’s knockers in the past. Curiously, the press go unmuzzled when going at daughters-in-law or granddaughters-in-law she finds unpalatable.

Dangerous Animals act, or letting swans break your arm

A swan can break your arm with one blow of its wing, which is entirely legal because they’re an exception to the 1976 Dangerous Animals act on Palace orders. Liz can’t exactly pop down to the bingo hall for her kicks like every other 94-year-old, so why not let her swans take it out on you?

Decimal Currency act, or I own everything with my face on

In 1969, Her Majesty graciously decided to let us all have new money, taking in return ownership of everything displaying her mug. All your coins and banknotes? Technically hers, though given recent price hikes postage stamps are the key to her monumental wealth. Also owns all money in Canada, Australia and New Zealand.

Digital Economy act, or veto rights over The Crown plots

The 2010 regulation of digital media specifically demands the Royal Household grant approval before the cameras start rolling. The last series noticeably played fast and loose with the truth thanks to the Queen’s edits, but expect to see lots more airbrushing as we head into the 90s.

Defence of the Realm act, or one free invasion

A staple of British law since 1914, this legally allows the monarch to declare war on any country she likes without consequence. Royal advisors have long suggested France as a potential target, although following Brexit this is now considered inevitable anyway. So she rather fancies Norway.