Idiot dogs told to insure themselves

OWNERS of idiotic dogs have told their pets to pay for their own health insurance.

As the number of pet insurance claims soared, dogs who eat stones and think barbed wire is made of jam are facing a hike in the cost of living.

Dog owner Martin Bishop said: “I pay £40 a month so this cretin can do whatever the hell he wants.

“He needs to get a proper job and start contributing. Or at least just fucking listen to me when I tell him not to eat stones.”

Bishop’s Springer Spaniel, Roy Hobbs, said: “It’s not my fault that stones are so utterly delicious. They should be made out of something softer, like chocolate, which as any dog knows, is not remotely poisonous.”

Hobbs added: “I don’t suppose you’ve got any stones on you? I’m absolutely starving.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Worker competence down 80 per cent since Thursday

EVERYONE in Britain is now unable to do the thing they are paid to do after a four-day weekend.

Millions of workers returned to their jobs minus the few skills they possessed before the impossibly lengthy Easter break.

Donna Sheridan, from Chester, said: “My job is to sell windows to people.

“I know how to get to my office thanks to muscle memory, and I recognise the people there, but that’s the end of it. I’ll just see if there’s a training manual on this little table, I think they call it a ‘desk’.”

Tom Logan, from Redbridge, said: “It says on these business cards that I’m a quantity surveyor. But it was twenty years ago that I went to quantity surveying school, so the repetition of a solid five-day working week was my brain’s final slender link with its academic past.

“I think I’ll just survey the quantity of crisps in this packet while I get warmed up.”