If there was one 'weird trick' to weight loss we would tell you, confirm doctors

DOCTORS have clarified that if there was ‘one weird trick’ to weight loss they would not hate it and would definitely tell you.

GPs stressed that, contrary to internet advertisements, they are not prone to irrational loathing of anyone offering successful weight-loss solutions.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Oddly enough, when I tell every bloody patient I see to lose weight it’s because I want them to lose weight.

“It would make my job at least 50 per cent easier, so I promise you I’m not keeping any ‘secrets’.

“There is no, repeat no, wide-ranging conspiracy among the medical profession to stop you losing weight. Very much the reverse.”

Roy Hobbs, from Stevenage, said: “They say that, but then all they recommend is diet and exercise and everyone knows they don’t work.

“Doctors are full of hate. I see it in their eyes.”

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Woman admits she's not on a voyage of personal discovery

A 33 YEAR-OLD woman has admitted she has not discovered anything about herself for at least seven years.

Jane Stevens, from Hatfield, revealed she has had different jobs and relationships and has travelled to exotic destinations without any of it being remotely significant.

Stevens said: “I could say that each of these experiences has revealed a new facet to my extraordinary character but that would be a massive, self-indulgent lie.

“I pretty much figured myself out at around 15.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, added: “Jane is in the 0.01 percent of people who are honest about this. Most people will say things like they have ‘learned to listen’ or they’re ‘more open to new experiences’, but it’s all complete bullshit.”

Stevens added: “I suppose I quite like spicy food now. I am just so endlessly fascinating.”