Injections of Dettol and a tanning bed: take the Trump cure

PRESIDENT Trump has recommended injections of disinfectant, UV lights and regular applications of snake oil to cure COVID-19. But what else is he suggesting? 

Putting your head in the microwave

These things, we all have them in our kitchens, but they are so powerful against germs. They zap the germs. Kill them all in a minute. One minute! You meddle with the safety catch in the door – they put that in under Obama – put it on a 60-second programme, gone. I’m not saying try it, but try it. 

Gold

They’re saying gold can do a lot against this virus. Medical experts, some of the top guys, say that if you put a little gold leaf in your food, your Cokes, it just chases the virus straight out of your system like that. So gold. Everyone can afford a little gold. 

Magnets

Nobody knows how magnets work, you know that? Not scientists, not even Nobel prize winners. They think they’re so smart but it’s a mystery. I have a theory. But put yourself between two powerful magnets and it just polarises the virus. Polarises it right up. 

Staying in a five-star Trump Hotel

We got the statistics back and nobody gets the virus in a Trump hotel. Unbelievable, right? It must be the hygiene, which is fantastic, I hire the best people. You can’t get it if you stay in a Trump hotel or resort, and if you’ve got it and go to one you’re cured. Incredible. 

Any Infinity Stone

You seen these things? Most powerful objects in the universe. And they send out these rays, invisible rays, and they I think can go through the skin and kill the virus. I’ve got one. Putin’s got two. Maybe they’ll disintegrate you, maybe they won’t. I’m not a doctor. 

 

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UK population now either total lightweights or permanently pissed

THE UK population is now either incapable of taking their drink or permanently wankered, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that alcohol tolerance falls into one of two extreme categories due to lockdown – either you cannot handle a drop, or you cannot remember being sober.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Life as we knew it has broken down, so it makes scientific sense that people are turning to the bottle to get through.

“Furloughed staff are keeping busy by downing pints from dawn till dusk, and parents are advised to neck a bottle of Blossom Hill hourly to make looking after their kids bearable.

“However key workers are so busy they’re drier than Tehran. Even half a pint will leave them with a splitting hangover the next day.

“On the plus side they’ll be cheap dates if we ever start hooking up again. Just so long as they don’t mind us having 15 pints while they sip at their Diet Cokes.”

NHS worker Donna Sheridan said: “Humanity has been split into two species like in The Time Machine. Soon us abstinent Morlocks will hunt drunken Eloi for food.”