Irritating woman not content with just one sneeze

A WOMAN has decided that doing a single sneeze is not bringing her nearly enough attention.

Charlotte Phelps, who routinely sneezes up to eight times in a row, knows it annoys her family and freaks out strangers but is not prepared to stop being so annoying.

Phelps said: “One sneeze might get people to look at you, especially if you do one of those extra-loud explosive ones, but once they look away it’s all over.

“However, doing eight or nine in a row really makes a huge deal of it and forces people to stare at me. I don’t seem to be able to hold their attention with my conversation or wit, so I’ve got to find another way.

“And now that coronavirus has happened, it works even better. Even with a mask on, doing several sneezes in a row in the middle of Tesco will really make you centre of attention.

“The other day someone even said ‘Bless you’. Or maybe it was ‘F**k you’. I don’t mind either way.”

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The middle class teenager's guide to being a rebel

IF you have middle class parents who think they’re a bit bohemian, rebelling can be hard. Here’s how to disappoint and worry your bourgeois mum and dad.

Eat cheap white bread in front of them

If you were raised on artisanal sourdough, they’re going to freak out like normal parents would about cocaine and beg you not to put ‘that muck’ into your body when you pop two slices of Sunblest in the toaster.

Refuse to take drugs

Middle class parents love to say things like ‘If you’re going to take drugs, I’d rather you did it at home’ so they can pretend to themselves they’re still cool. Bitterly disappoint them by being incredibly prim about drugs and refusing to even drink a glass of wine with them at dinner.

Become an accountant

You’ve probably been encouraged to be something ‘creative’ like an actor or musician because your parents think it reflects well on their free-spirited parenting style. Become an accountant, which will not only annoy them but make you quite rich.

Burn some tyres in the front garden

A certain type of middle class parent will desperately want their child to join Extinction Rebellion, which doesn’t really make it much of a rebellion. Instead, rebel against their wishes by setting some tyres on fire in the front garden and making a banner that says ‘F**k the environment’.

Join the Conservative Party

Many middle class parents are leftie snowflakes who believe the world would be a better place if only we hugged each other a bit more. Crush their libtard dreams into dirt by joining the Young Conservatives and putting a picture of Priti Patel on your bedroom wall.