Saturday, 4th April 2020

Is your body a temple or a dodgy kebab shop?

DO you treat your body like a beautiful temple or stuff it full of questionable meat and grease? See where you fall on the scale.

Your body is a whole food health shop if…

You have removed all the fun from eating and drinking by insisting it is sugar-free, additive-free and joy-free. You feel good but haven’t got any friends because you tend to drone on about things like miso soup.

Your body is a Waitrose if…

You smugly fill it with butternut squash, hummus and macadamia nuts. Unless no one is looking, in which case you shovel down a tub of ice cream. You are a bit confused, and think that anything ‘artisanal’ is good for you.

Your body is a Pizza Express if…

You convince yourself that you’re healthy because you eat a cursory amount of salad, but are ultimately just here to eat melted cheese and dip balls of nutrition-free dough in a big bowl of butter.

Your body is a Wetherspoons if…

You don’t mind abusing it with endless pints of cheap lager and favour a diet based on things like cheap burgers, fried eggs and curly fries. You may well have high blood pressure, just like many of the regulars at ‘Spoons.

Your body is a KFC if…

You’ve given up any pretence of eating healthily and just want to immerse yourself in a huge bucket of chicken and BBQ sauce until you suffocate.