'It's beginning to look a lot like lockdown' and other rewritten seasonal classics

‘PUBS are closing all around us, NHS is struggling, country walks our only recreation, happy lockdown everyone.’ And other festive favourites rewritten: 

‘It’s beginning to look a lot like lockdown,
Lockdown time is here,
Just look at the infection rate, it’s heading to one point eight,
With masks in shops and booster shots and fear’

‘Last Christmas, we all stayed indoors,
And for the next three months cause we had no choice,
This year, a new variant’s here,
And we’re back on that same f**king bullshit’

‘I don’t want a lot for Christmas, just to see my f**king mum,
I don’t need that much for Christmas, just not to be on my own,
Just to not spend it alone,
In my flat cooking for one,
Gonna spend it pissed,
My second lockdown Christmas, it’s shit’

‘It’s the most wonderful time of the year,
The prime minister lying and everyone dying and living in fear,
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!’

‘You’d better watch out, you’d better beware,
You’re not protected by Astra-Zeneca,
Omicron is coming to town’

‘It was Christmas evening,
Under lockdown,
The PM promised me,
Wouldn’t be another one,
But he’s a lying twat,
And he’ll soon get the sack,
And we’ll have better times,
Under Rishi Sunak.’

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TikTok and other confusing youth things explained by a middle-aged man

DO you find the young people confusing and odd? Don’t worry – 48-year-old father-of-three Martin Bishop can answer your questions and make you trendy again: 


A website for miming to songs, which sounds like a massively trivial waste of time just like Top of the Pops was for 40 years. I’ve joined in by doing Summer of ‘69 by Bryan Adams. When I showed it to the kids they just sat there with their mouths hanging open, stunned that I’m so up-to-date with technology.


A type of rap music that is also a crime. Doesn’t bother me because I’m down with the ‘old skool’ rappers – Chuck D, KRS-One, Will Smith – and I’ve never been troubled by the law. Apart from stealing flumps from the pick-n-mix in 1982, but I chose a different path in life.


Apps could turn out to be a flash in the pan, but they’re big right now, so get with it! They’re just computer programs like Horace Goes Skiing, but on your phone. I use the B&Q app a lot for browsing garden tools, then you just ‘click and collect’. It’s like living in the future.

Twitter storms

People love a good ‘Twitter storm’ on this sober, reflective topical discussion website. Some of the comments appear a bit spirited, eg. ‘I hope u get sent a bOMB scum bitch’, but from what I’ve read that’s normal and everyone takes it in good humour.


Essentially the telephone dating service Dateline from the 80s, with pictures. The only difference is you have no idea if the person is a serial killer or doesn’t even exist at all. But that doesn’t matter because you ignore everyone but the stunning ones who never reply anyway.

The Apple watch

Teens are cray-cray – meaning crazy – for a trendy Apple watch, which come with the whole internet included. They’re pricey, but if you can afford it get one. No way will your young ‘uns get bullied when they’ve got the coolest dad in the playground.