Friday, 4th December 2020

Man disappointed 'self-care' doesn't involve more wanking

A MAN has been disappointed to find that ‘self-care’ does not involve much, or in fact any, masturbation.

Stephen Malley, 28, discovered the lifestyle trend after clicking on a Buzzfeed article by mistake.

He said “I was sceptical because it seemed to blur the lines between a serious appraisal of your mental and physical health and just drinking a hot chocolate in the bath.

“But when I realised it was all just an excuse to be more selfish, but rebranded in a way that seemed cool and enlightened, I thought ‘I’m in’.”

However, Malley soon found self-care to exclude a deeply important part of his life.

He added: “Unfortunately the only wanking it seemed to involve was entirely metaphorical. Taking a yoga selfie - yes; eating flax seeds - yes; intense self-pleasuring - apparently not.

“I’m going to have to keep living in a world where it’s okay to not reply to a text because you’re having a ‘technology detox’ but not because you’re making a mess of yourself.”