A MAN has started going to bed earlier so he has more time to run through the ever-expanding list of things he needs to worry about.
Tom Booker, aged 36, used to require only 10 minutes to quickly skim through his mental checklist of gnawing anxieties, but, thanks to having two children, a mortgage and living in Britain in 2022, he now needs at least an hour.
Booker said: “It used to be easy. I’d switch the light off, worry a bit about an email I hadn’t sent or something, and still have time for an efficient wank before getting my eight hours in.
“But these days it just goes on and on. I have to worry about whether my kids are normal and if my wife is about to leave me for someone less fat, and follow it all with a freak out about whether the weird rash on my nipple is cancer.
“And that’s before I even get onto panicking about our collapsing government, global warming and the increasing likelihood of getting vaporised in World War 3, like that scene from Terminator.
“I’ve tried booze, I’ve tried meditation, but nothing works. So all I can do is go to bed earlier, get through it all and still get enough sleep so I’m fresh enough the next day to add a few more worries to the pile.”