Man has early night to make head start on anxiety checklist

A MAN has started going to bed earlier so he has more time to run through the ever-expanding list of things he needs to worry about.

Tom Booker, aged 36, used to require only 10 minutes to quickly skim through his mental checklist of gnawing anxieties, but, thanks to having two children, a mortgage and living in Britain in 2022, he now needs at least an hour.

Booker said: “It used to be easy. I’d switch the light off, worry a bit about an email I hadn’t sent or something, and still have time for an efficient wank before getting my eight hours in.

“But these days it just goes on and on. I have to worry about whether my kids are normal and if my wife is about to leave me for someone less fat, and follow it all with a freak out about whether the weird rash on my nipple is cancer.

“And that’s before I even get onto panicking about our collapsing government, global warming and the increasing likelihood of getting vaporised in World War 3, like that scene from Terminator.

“I’ve tried booze, I’ve tried meditation, but nothing works. So all I can do is go to bed earlier, get through it all and still get enough sleep so I’m fresh enough the next day to add a few more worries to the pile.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The five dumbest tan lines you will get in the next few days

LOOKING to top up your tan during the heatwave? Get ready to be inflicted with these ridiculous tan lines:

Farmer’s tan

The most common of all dodgy tan lines. Normal people don’t feel comfortable stripping off their clothes and exposing themselves to the sun in public, meaning they’ll end up with pasty skin in the shape of a T-shirt imprinted on their torsos. Luckily nobody will notice, unless you meet someone who wants to shag you. Bear in mind that they’ll have a good laugh at your naked body first.

Trucker’s tan

The sunny weather is the perfect time for a road trip. What could be better than driving to the beach with the windows down and your arm nonchalantly propped out the window? Not being bright red from elbow to wrist on one side, that’s what. It nearly looks as bad as the baseball cap tan line running across your forehead.

Sunglasses tan

Nearly everything about sunglasses is cool. Movie stars look good in them, they give you an air of indifference, and they make you feel more powerful than the sun. The only downside is that you look like a twat when you take them off after a long day of looking suave. You wouldn’t have this problem if you just squinted a bit.

Intricate bikini tan

You’ve spent months tracking down the perfect elaborate bikini, and then spent hours trying to figure out how to slip into its intricate network of straps. It’s totally worth it though because you’ll look great when hitting the beach. Just ignore how it’ll leave you with a pattern of stupid tan lines that will be impossible to even out.

Beard tan

Fellas, if you’ve got a beard you need to make a commitment today. Either you stick with your facial hair until autumn, or you shave it all off now to achieve an even facial tan. Those are the only two options. That’s unless you like having a pale jawline which everyone will secretly mock. Make the right choice.