A MIDDLE-AGED man has adopted a new skincare routine, despite being so leathery and grizzled that it is too late to make a difference.
Following years of smoking, drinking and failing to apply suncream, Stephen Malley has started using a nightly moisturiser even though it is evident it will do f**k all for his desiccated face.
His wife Lucy Malley said: “There’s no amount of E45 that’s saving that man’s skin. He looks like something they dragged out of a sarcophagus in an ancient Egyptian tomb.
“He’s spent 30 years lying out in the blazing sun every summer, refusing to use the factor 15 and getting sunburnt, and he thinks a three quid tube of moisturiser from Boots is going to fix it.
“And he’s been drinking heavily and smoking, which ages you terribly. Just look at Keith Richards. And Stephen definitely hasn’t got the rock star charisma to pull it off.
“It’s not worth the effort. I applaud his newfound enthusiasm for self care, but, with the best will in the world, some turds just can’t be polished.”
Stephen Malley said: “I called my mates ‘gay’ for using sunscreen but now they’re ageing gracefully whereas I look like a withered old husk of a man. Bastards.”