Man starts moisturising far, far too late

A MIDDLE-AGED man has adopted a new skincare routine, despite being so leathery and grizzled that it is too late to make a difference.

Following years of smoking, drinking and failing to apply suncream, Stephen Malley has started using a nightly moisturiser even though it is evident it will do f**k all for his desiccated face.

His wife Lucy Malley said: “There’s no amount of E45 that’s saving that man’s skin. He looks like something they dragged out of a sarcophagus in an ancient Egyptian tomb.

“He’s spent 30 years lying out in the blazing sun every summer, refusing to use the factor 15 and getting sunburnt, and he thinks a three quid tube of moisturiser from Boots is going to fix it.

“And he’s been drinking heavily and smoking, which ages you terribly. Just look at Keith Richards. And Stephen definitely hasn’t got the rock star charisma to pull it off.

“It’s not worth the effort. I applaud his newfound enthusiasm for self care, but, with the best will in the world, some turds just can’t be polished.”

Stephen Malley said: “I called my mates ‘gay’ for using sunscreen but now they’re ageing gracefully whereas I look like a withered old husk of a man. Bastards.”

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Only two of the busiest weeks left until the most stressful day of the year

THE public has been reminded there are only 14 of the most hellish days left until the most stressful time of the year.

As December continues its relentless march, Britons have been warned to brace for an onslaught of rabid shopping and overwhelming social obligations in the run up to a high-pressure day which will inevitably end in disappointment.

Joanna Kramer from Leeds said: “Thanks for the heads-up. In amongst planning everything, juggling work and multiple meet-ups with friends, I nearly forgot.

“Luckily I’ve got a special calendar which keeps me on track. Each day I open one of its little windows for a chocolatey reminder that time is slipping away and my to-do list is constantly growing.”

Stephen Malley from Plymouth said: “In the next fortnight I need to hit my work targets, go to a nativity play, do all my wrapping, post my cards, finalise what I’m doing on Christmas day and not go insane. Why do we all do this to ourselves?

“Couldn’t Christmas become like one of those things we quietly let die out in the pandemic like working in an office? Then we could spend the next two weeks half cut on the sofa watching Gremlins.

“Tell me that doesn’t sound better than whatever tedious and exhausting shit you have to do in the coming days. I dare you.”