Man takes second sick day 'for authenticity'

AN OFFICE worker has called in sick for the second day on the trot so that no one will ever know he didn’t have what he’s calling ‘a nasty bug’.

Wayne Hayes pretended to be ill for longer than his usual ‘one day weekend extension’, to ensure that his boss believes he has a medically diagnosable condition and is not just taking the absolute piss.

Hayes said: “To give my absence the ring of truth, I am dragging out my imaginary illness for a little longer.

“On day one, I phoned in and planted the seed that I was seriously under the weather but being brave about it.

“Today, I emailed in with an update on my vague but grievous symptoms, and said I was ‘hopefully on the mend’ but ‘still feeling pretty rough’.

“My team thought I was dicking around at first, but today the pendulum has swung in my favour and suddenly it sounds like I’m genuinely ill. One of them just texted to wish me well.

“What a gullible bastard.”

Hayes added: “I would never fake-take three days off sick because expectations are too high that you’ll come back to the office with some genuine illness residue. I can’t act that sick – I’m not Eddie Redmayne.”

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Please explain the concept of a 'taxi' to us again, says Uber

AN Uber executive has asked the European court if it can explain what a ‘taxi’ is again but slower because he still does not get it. 

Following a ruling by the ECJ that Uber is not an information society service but a cab firm, Uber has requested clarification on this baffling ‘cab firm’ concept. 

Julian Cook, of Uber UK, said: “So they’re like… cars? That stop when you wave an arm and take you places? But what does that have to do with us? 

“I suppose one of the parties we supply information to has a car, but that’s hardly uncommon and it’s none of our business what they do with it.

“Possibly transport is facilitated.  I’ve heard rumours. Yet to suggest Uber has anything to do with that is absurd. What are we, a bored middle-aged lady doing her nails in an all-night office? 

“No, we are merely a conduit of information, and know nothing of tawdry material ‘taxis’ or ‘drivers with criminal records’. Regulating us would be as impossible as regulating a whisper on the wind.

“Anyway, look forward to our new business, UberSexyGirlsFullBodyMassage, which puts users with needs in touch with self-employed entrepreneurs who may or may not choose to supply them with certain services. 

“That’s not illegal either. You can’t fucking touch us.”