Man to just have chips for dinner

A GROWN man has announced that he will be having nothing more than a plate of chips for his dinner tonight.

Stephen Malley of Nuneaton clarified that he will not be having steak and chips, burger and chips or anything else and chips, but simply chips.

He added: “It’s Friday night and I want chips.

“I’ll have vinegar with them, and obviously sauce, but I don’t see why they should be relegated to a side dish. Chips are fine on their own.

“They might not count as one of my five-a-day, although they are vegetables so I’d have to check that, they might not have much protein in, Gordon Ramsey might not approve, but I want chips and I’m having them.

“Yes, I am single but I don’t see what that’s got to do with anything.”

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Daily Mail scurrying about like a horrid little spider

THE DAILY Mail is scurrying around like a spider trying to get up society’s trouser leg, it has emerged.

The poisonous news-arachnid is busily skittering hither and thither on its pointy little legs, trying to find an entry point where it can get in and lay its tiny black eggs of blame.

It said: “I’m just running around very fast on my spindly black legs, looking for the vulnerable spot. It could be Muslims, MPs, single mums or some other type of woman.

“Then I’m in. Don’t hate me, it’s just my despicable nature. Sometimes I pray I’ll get eaten by a mouse.”

Household Mary Fisher said: “At first I was scared of it, now I’m just determined to catch it under a glass and lob it out the window.”