Pensions now worth enough for one big bender

THE average British pension will now fund one proper night out when you finally reach retirement, financial advisers have confirmed. 

Research suggests that five decades in full-time employment is now worth exactly the cost of a night that begins at Wetherspoons, goes on to Revolution and a provincial nightclub, and concludes with a kebab.

Financial analyst Carolyn Ryan said: “Twenty years ago, a pension could be relied upon to provide a long, comfortable retirement. Now you’ll just about get enough for one last blowout.

“For most of us, this means our drinks for the evening will be fully covered, including shots. Social smokers will have the option of a packet of 20 fags to share.

“Anyone who has gone the job-for-life route, risen to senior management and stayed in the final salary scheme will have enough for a gram of crap coke split four ways.

“Recipients of the state pension would be advised to invest their lump sum in a three-litre bottle of white cider to be drunk at a bus stop beforehand, to stretch their funds further.

Bill McKay of Stirling said: “My long-term retirement plan is to punch a policeman at the end of the night so the state pays for my care.”

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School gate mums so competitive about children's achievements, says only mum doing it

ALL THE mothers at the school gate are horrendously competitive about their children’s progress, according to a mother who can think of nothing else. 

Eleanor Shaw of Bristol says that she can hardly bring up her son Henry’s Grade IV flute exams without another mum mentioning that she really must look into music lessons, and that it is sickening.

She continued: “It’s every morning. I say Henry’s doing tai chi, they say their kids are still into Pokémon. I say he’s reading Harry Potter all on his own, they brag that their kids are watching the films.

“These mums need to stop treating parenthood as a game and let their little ones enjoy childhood, like Henry does after his personal tutor goes and he gets two hours of free play.

“It’s got to the point where I’m afraid to mention how gifted he is because they’ll just snap back with some passive-aggressive line about theirs being ‘a bit behind’ at maths.”

She added: “It’s so lonely being so far ahead. Now I know how Einstein’s mum felt.”