Massive sickly drink with shitloads of marshmallows found to contain sugar

THOSE incredibly sickly drinks you like have sugar in them, it has emerged.

There are up to 25 sugars in popular chain cafe drinks like Starbuck’s Syrupy Chocolate Bucket Drink, which account for its overpoweringly sweet taste.

Doctor Emma Bradford said: “Sugar is closely linked to sweetness, and in fact the sweetness of a thing increases in proportion with how much sugar is in it.

“Sugar is ‘hidden’ in cafe drinks by being dissolved into them using a stirring process. It’s very devious and you wouldn’t guess it was there apart from the drink being so sickly it almost makes you vomit.

“Businesses deliberately don’t list sugar as an ingredient, but look out for things like ‘chocolate’, ‘marshmallows’ or ‘sugar-based syrup’.  These all have sugar in them. It’s confusing I know because they are not themselves ’sugar’, but try to get your head around it.

“Bottom line is, if something is so sweet it feels like your jaw is going to melt, that’s an indicator of sugar.”

Starbucks fan Mary Fisher said: “I would not have ordered that chocolatey, creamy tankard-sized drink had I known this. Corporations are so cunning.”

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Local newspaper pretending to be important part of community

A DIRE local newspaper claims to be a vital and much-loved part of the local community, it has emerged.

Weekly freesheet the Haverford Chronicle portrays itself as a valuable news source and crusader for reader’s rights, despite mostly containing pictures of people eating baguettes, double glazing adverts and the grievances of local idiots.

Editor Roy Hobbs said: “The Chronicle is always fighting for the interests of the local community, for example by uncritically publishing the stories of people who think they’re allergic to streetlights.

“This week we’ve got a big scoop on someone being fined for fly-tipping, and a special report on a new cake decorating course at the local FE college.

“When Melinda Messenger opened the new multiplex in Frogley we ran the pictures for three weeks as part of an advertising tie-in with Burger King.

“If people want to know what’s going on locally, they turn to us. Us or the internet.”

Local resident Donna Sheridan said: “I’m always pleased when the Chronicle arrives because I’ve got a wood-burning fire.”