May tells GPs to offer Thai cooking classes

THERESA May has told GP surgeries to teach a range of evening classes to avoid closure.

Stopping people dying has been downgraded to a minor credit when assessing GP clinics compared to offering a beginner’s guide to Thai cuisine.

May said: “For too long GPs have seen themselves as somebody that gives medical attention, based on their years of training and study, to thousands of people from the nearby area in exchange for a monthly wage.

“But a modern health service should also be able to offer car maintenance, iPhone screen repair and whatever else I decide off the top of my head.

“This needs to be available at any time during the day or night, otherwise I will personally come round and set fire to the building.”

GP Nikki Hollis said: “My colleagues are considering mass resignations but we reckon the government would just replace us with vending machines that dispensed prescriptions at forty quid a pop.”

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Woman 'only drinks champagne' because she's a nightmare when pissed

A WOMAN who acts like a sophisticated occasional drinker only does it because alcohol turns her into a raging psychopath, it has emerged.

Office manager Emma Bradford’s preference for champagne is due to her being unable to drink normally without starting some kind of confrontation.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Emma only limits herself to a couple of glasses of champagne on rare occasions because otherwise her eye goes wonky and she starts coming on to really old men.

“I think she’s got a low alcohol tolerance and some psychological issues, because I’m pretty sure normal people don’t punch a mirror in the toilets ‘to see what happens’ after four glasses of chardonnay.

“Ironically everyone thinks she’s really classy and always in control, which are not the terms I’d have used years ago at a party when she was dancing with sick on her leg.”

Bradford said: “I love champagne because you never drink so much of it you wake up realising you’ve keyed loads of cars at a wedding reception, which is obviously just a hypothetical example I made up.