THERESA May has told GP surgeries to teach a range of evening classes to avoid closure.
Stopping people dying has been downgraded to a minor credit when assessing GP clinics compared to offering a beginner’s guide to Thai cuisine.
May said: “For too long GPs have seen themselves as somebody that gives medical attention, based on their years of training and study, to thousands of people from the nearby area in exchange for a monthly wage.
“But a modern health service should also be able to offer car maintenance, iPhone screen repair and whatever else I decide off the top of my head.
“This needs to be available at any time during the day or night, otherwise I will personally come round and set fire to the building.”
GP Nikki Hollis said: “My colleagues are considering mass resignations but we reckon the government would just replace us with vending machines that dispensed prescriptions at forty quid a pop.”