Men get their own bullshit body types

AFTER decades of women being described as being ‘pear-shaped’ and similar, men have been given their own contrived body shapes.

A government spokesman said: “In the interests of gender equality it is time for men to have a crass, superficial way to objectify themselves. Also we hope they will spend money on loose-fitting trousers and flattering maxi dresses.”

New male body shapes include:

* ‘Beach hut on stilts’ – Men with large, solid torsos but unbecomingly thin legs.

* ‘Sontaran’ – Squat, muscular men without necks, good at rugby and mending things.

* ‘Paunchy fox’ – Men with an ‘overhang’ who are improbably successful with women.

* ‘Hard tits cretin’ – TOWIE-obsessed gym addicts with granite hard chest muscles.

Men have welcomed being able to define themselves via physical proportions. Plumber Norman Steele said: “My wife has an ‘hour-glass’ figure but my broad shoulders means I’m more of a ‘clock radio’, so we’re going to get divorced and put the kids into care.

“You can’t argue with body shapes.”

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Ask Holly: Do normal 22-year-olds just eat Pot Noodles and catch chlamydia?

Dear Holly,

All I wanted was to be a normal 22-year-old, so I threw away my career as a global pop star heart throb. But it turns out that all normal 22-year-olds do is eat pot noodles, catch chlamydia and dream about being global pop star heart throbs. Have I made a huge error?



Dear Zayn,

You need to spend some time with an old person like my granny. In a crisis she is full of mysterious wisdom like ‘the grass isn’t always greener on the other side’. I used to think this was a metaphor, but then I realised it was because she lets her dog Bilko do his business all over next door’s lawn. Basically she is spouting gobbledygook but going to visit her always makes me realise things could be worse, i.e. I could be spending my days sucking on Parma Violets and soiling myself to Escape to the Country.

Hope that helps,