Men With Small Penises Mourn Spam King Arrest

MILLIONS of men with small penises and their wives were last night plunged into despair after the US announced it had arrested the so-called spam king of the internet. 

Robert Soloway, 27, is revered by all men with undersized organs for his frequent offers to provide considerable extra length and girth for their members.

Lawyers working for Mr Soloway denied all the allegations against him saying his penis enlargement e-mails only went to men with really small ones, or their wives or girlfriends.

Gerry O’Toole, Mr Soloway's attorney, said: “Our client has spent many years compiling his database of men with little tiddlers and their partners.

“Be in no doubt: if you have received one of these emails you have a small one, or you are a woman who regularly comes into contact with someone who has a small one.”

Billy Tinkler, 36, of Little Sodbury, said he was distraught that his main chance of "porking up his plonker" had been snatched from his in-box by the US authorities.

He said: “What chance now have I got to be a hero in bed, or to stand out from the other guys in the showers? I just feel really deflated.”

Mrs Tinkler, 37, said: “I don’t cocking believe it. We had just saved up enough for the operation and now this.”

Petula Soul, the in-house agony aunt for the Daily Mash , said that contrary to common belief size was important. She said: “There is nothing more embarrassing for a woman than having to ask 'have you started yet'? This guy was not a spammer, he was a saint.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

It's War!!! Salmond Builds 400 Mile Bridge To Attack Dutch

ALEX Salmond is to cancel plans for an Edinburgh tram system and use the money to build a 400 mile bridge from Scotland to Amsterdam.

The First Minister said he wants construction to start as soon as possible on the gigantic engineering project, adding: "I expect to be driving my tank down the Prins-Hendrikkade on Christmas Day."

The bridge will start in Portobello and head directly out to sea for 100 miles before taking a sharp right and continuing south east until it reaches the Enormous Dykes of Alkmaar.

In order to prevent detection as it nears the coast, Salmond said the bridge would be painted the same colour as the sky and sea, "thus rendering it completely invisible to the Dutch coastguard".

The First Minster added: "The Dutch will be completely oblivious, until one day they will hear an almighty thud as the last piece of bridge is dropped into place and a column of dark blue tanks appears as if from thin air.

"They will panic and run about like chickens as we liberate millions of innocent tulips and set fire to their dirty sex books."

Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate, said: "We too are planning a huge, invisible engineering project, the likes of which the world has never seen and never will see, unless they happen to bump into it while carrying a tray of paint."