Middle-aged people ask 'Generation Sensible' what it's like having sex sober

MIDDLE-AGED people have asked the younger fitness-obsessed generation what sex is like when you aren’t drunk.

Joseph Turner, 58, did not think sex was possible without the aid of wine, scotch and a packet of dry roasted peanuts for energy.

Turner said: “Alcohol helps my wife believe she’s with Daniel Craig and not a man who subscribes to Classic Car magazine.

“And with Chardonnay’s help my wife looks like Catherine Zeta Jones and not the woman who constantly nags me for a better conservatory.

23-year-old Susan Traherne said: “We don’t actually have sex because we’re too busy either at the gym or worrying about house prices.

“If we were to have intercourse it would purely be for reproductive purposes, or as part of some incredibly depressing ‘five year plan’.”

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Which zoo animals are the easiest to steal?

WITH school summer holidays under way, now is a great time to visit the zoo and perhaps steal one of the animals.

Here, in reverse order, are the best animals to nick.

Galapagos tortoise

These majestic creatures, the largest species of tortoise in the world, are enclosed by only a small wooden fence. They can be heavy, so team up with an accomplice, or invest in a sturdy wheelbarrow, before committing to stealing one. They also live to be 200, giving you plenty of time to enjoy your spoils.

Humbolt penguin 

Walk into the penguin enclosure dressed as a zoo employee – zoo employees do it all the time. If challenged, explain that you are a psychiatrist there to check none of the penguins are depressed. Once you’re in, just grab a penguin and just walk out with it. All penguins are basically identical, making your theft unlikely to be discovered until you are safely on the road with your new friend.

Stick insect

Replace the stick insect with a medium-sized stick; it is likely to be weeks before anyone notices.

Malayan tapir

Tapirs are placid and passive creatures, and the Zoological Society of London has been complacent in assuming they will not try to escape. Slip it some strong stimulants, such as coffee or dark chocolate, then overpower the guards and ride it to freedom.

Ring-tailed lemur

Lemurs have a mischievous nature, and will not need much encouragement to run away with you. Spend some time near the enclosure to build trust, and use your phone – or perhaps an iPad – to show the lemurs episodes of Prison Break. After three or four seasons, offer them a bag with Wentworth Miller’s face on it and they will jump right in.