Millions of Britons making extra money as mucus factories

MILLIONS of people are earning second incomes by turning their bodies into 24-hour mucus production facilities.

A simple non-invasive procedure transforms the nose and throat into thriving mucus factories which work whether you are at home, at work, awake or asleep.

Helen Fisher of Leicester said: “From first thing in the morning, when I cough up patties of fluorescent green phlegm, right through the day when I fill tissue after tissue, my body’s working overtime while I sit back.

“Certainly there are unpleasant side effects like fever, exhaustion and a constant buzzing in the head but it’s well worth it for that second wage.”

Dr Mary Fisher said: “Becoming a mucus farm is so easy you won’t even know it’s happened until that sweet, sweet mucus starts to come.”

Nobody is quite sure what the mucus is used for but providers are confident it is not unpleasant.


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You should hear me when I stub my f**king toe, says Kim Sears

ANDY Murray’s fiancee has dismissed her expletive-filled tirade against his Australian Open semi-final opponent as nothing compared to when she steps in catshit.

Kim Sears, who according to lipreaders swore twice at Tomas Berdych, giggled coyly as she admitted that two fucks in a single sentence was extraordinarily restrained for her.

She continued: “I’ve met Berdych socially, and ‘flash Czech fuck’ is actually the friendly nickname that I use to the slab-faced ginger tosspot’s face. I call him much worse behind closed doors.

“I find swearing like a docker with Tourette’s calms me down, which I need because I have to  watch the motherfucking tennis day in day out. It’s a bastard.”

Murray agreed: “The printer wouldn’t work the other week even though it was a new ink cartridge, and the neighbours thought I had hardcore gangster rap at full volume.

“Though she saves her choicest invective for our intimate times.”