Millions Suffer From Carol Vorderman Intolerance

MILLIONS of people in the UK have a genuine intolerance for Carol Vorderman, new research suggests.

Just a single exposure to one of her adverts for debt consolidation is certain to lead to obesity, projectile vomiting and clinically explosive diarrhoea.

However, repeated exposure to her performances on Countdown will result in otherwise perfectly healthy people suffering blindness, insanity and eventually death, the experts added.

Chrissy Ellen, 36, said she first discovered her dreadful reaction to Carol Vorderman after the television presenter claimed she had developed a gluten intolerance.

She said: “I bet she does not even know what a gluten is. I’d like to get a great big jug of the stuff and pour it down her throat to see if it really would make her swell up and choke to death on her own insides. I bet it wouldn’t, but if it did, would anyone complain? I don’t think so.”

Doctors said the range of celebrities that people claimed to be intolerant of was enormous and growing all the time, but they had no reason to doubt the accuracy of people’s self-diagnosis and warned them to keep avoiding them at all costs.

Dr Wayne Hayes, head of immunology at Dundee University, said all his hair had fallen out after he watched Britney Spear’s recent comeback performance on MTV. “I know it was specifically caused by an allergy to Britney as normally I get hugely turned on by fat girls in knickers,” he said.

Other celebrities the public are largely intolerant to include the actress Rachel Weisz, who most people would like to chase down the street and batter to death with a baguette.

Rod Stewart’s wife Penny Lancaster was also found to be highly unpalatable with most people saying they would like to drown her in a vat of rancid milk, over and over again.

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Madonna Meets Peres To Discuss The Steady Erosion Of Her Sanity

THE Queen of Pop has given her backing to Israeli President Shimon Peres, as well as showing him her latest impression of a tree.

Madonna, who has changed her name to Brian during her visit to the Middle East, told Israel's leading moderate that his shiny head was an inspiration to the world, before offering to buy his grandchildren.

She told a press conference in Tel Aviv: "I'm so proud to be here in Israel, the place where Jesus and Moses did their famous tree impressions."

The multi-million selling superstar is a devotee of Kabaddi, a Jewish form of wrestling where followers hold their breath while trying to push a fat man into a ditch.

Madonna, a 10th level Kabaddi wrestler, has immersed herself in ancient Jewish ritual and has even taken to wearing bright red knee pads 24 hours-a-day in a bid to ward off the 'Evil Eye' and cold sores.

After meeting with Peres, Madonna is due to fly to Tehran where she will hold two days of completely insane discussions with Iran's President Ahmedinejad.

Madonna is expected to tell the President that she is the reincarnation of Cleopatra, or possibly Stan Laurel.

Meanwhile Ahmedinejad will tell Madonna that he prefers to eat upside down and that he proposed to his wife while dancing to Crazy for You.