Mitsubishi In Global Arse Recall

MILLIONS of arses manufactured by the industrial giant Mitsubishi are being recalled after a series of catastrophic bottom failures, it emerged last night.

Two arses blew out at high speed on the Eurostar to Paris yesterday morning leaking clouds of noxious gas, and officials said it was a miracle that no one was seriously hurt.

In Belfast a woman was knocked unconscious when a builder’s rear failed completely while he was working on scaffolding, landing on her head 30ft below.

Wayne Hayes, Director of Bottoms at the Bum Institute, said anyone fitted with a Mitsubishi should contact their GP or local dealer immediately to arrange an arse safety inspection.

He said: “There is no need to panic, but I would advise anyone against excessive straining until they have had their bum inspected properly, and if necessary, tightened.”

Arse failures are comparatively rare but the effects can be dramatic. The Queen’s bum once cracked during the Trooping the Colour, frightening her horse and several members of the public.

Mitsubishi said it was writing to everyone who had bought one of its arses over the last two decades to tell them to bring it to a showroom so its technicians could get a close look.

Customers will be asked to bend over, pull their cheeks apart and blow gently from their anus while a mechanic inspects the arse and makes any necessary adjustments.

Nikki Hollis, company spokeswoman, said: “I had mine done this morning, I've let off a few rippers since, my knickers are in shreds but the arse is solid. It’s like brand new.”

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Beleaguered Brown Mired In 'Whatabunchoflyingbastardsgate'

GORDON Brown last night ordered a full inquiry into when he became prime minister as close allies admitted the Labour leader now carried the 'unmistakeable stench of death'.

Amid claim, counter-claim and claim again, Mr Brown told a Downing Street press conference: "I was informed for the first time on Saturday night that I was prime minister.

"As far as I was aware I had never met this Mr Brown. Neveretheless, I took full responsibility and immediately sacked the person who told me."

The scandal, already dubbed 'Whatabunchoflying- bastardsgate', took a fresh twist yesterday as the prime minister insisted he did not know the Labour Party had been given £700,000 by a brickie.

Mr Brown told reporters: "Harriet Harman is so ghastly, isn't she? I'm not saying she's a drug dealer or a pimp – that's for her to answer – I'm just saying that she's quite clearly at it and will be gone by the end of the week.

"And she better resign when I tell her to. If she doesn't we'll hold cabinet meetings behind her back until she gets the message."

The prime minister also pledged to return any illegal donations, but admitted the party would now be forced to sell Douglas Alexander to the Sultan of Brunei.

Pointing to the early successes of his premiership, Mr Brown added:  "I'm really more of an animal diseases kind of prime minister.

"Bluetongue, foot and mouth, H5N1 – that's really my forte. I know all the names and I'm very good at setting up exclusion zones.

"In fact, some of you are probably thinking, 'he'd make a bloody good vet'. And, d'you know what? You may well be right.

"I can just see myself tootling around the Dales in my battered but reliable Austin 7, a side of bacon from old Mr Otterthwaite and my arm all the way up a cow."