Mum using ball pit to inoculate child against all known diseases

A WOMAN decided to make her child play in a ball pit because it was the best place for her to catch a little bit of every disease in the world.

Responsible mum Nikki Hollis felt that maximum exposure to the pit would ultimately offer her daughter Emily the best protection against diseases ranging from the common cold to Ebola.

Hollis said: “Ball pits are stuffed with small children who can’t control their bodily functions and therefore full of poo, wee, snot, vomit and every other human excretion you can think of.

“They’re also impossible to clean, so each ball must be covered with several trillion strains of bacteria. If there’s ever a new outbreak of cholera, I guarantee its source will be a well-attended soft play centre.

“So I decided to follow the basic principle of inoculation by chucking Emily in and exposing her to a little bit of each hideous germ. It took several hours for her to lick every ball in the pit but we got there eventually.

“I’m a bit concerned now that she might turn into some kind of genetically mutated X-Men villain but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

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Personalised number plates only 100% effective way to identify twats

A PERSONALISED number plate is the only sure-fire way to identify a twat, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that vanity plates always indicated twats, due to costing a bomb yet barely resembling a person’s name or actual word, for example, ‘ST3V36’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Personalised number plates are basically sending out the message ‘Look at me, I can drive a car and I have money to waste’.

“As such, we in the scientific community agree that while not all twats have personalised number plates, if you do have a personalised number plate you are definitely a twat.

“Spending on these stupid things has increased in recent years, which we believe may be related to vodka with bits of gold in it and stag parties in Las Vegas. More research is needed.”

Recruitment consultant Tom Logan said: “I bought myself a personalised plate to celebrate shafting someone at work. Mine says LO537, which is my nickname that no one actually calls me yet, ‘Loge T’.

“And no, it doesn’t look like ‘Loser’.”