New Covid tracing app gives you Covid, admits Hancock

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid. 

More than 400,000 people have already downloaded the NHS app which uses Bluetooth to track users but also, doctors have realised just slightly too late, infects you with coronavirus. 

Health minister Matt Hancock said: “First of all, before the usual carping, let me state that this app is a world-beating success. 

“It tracks users without violating their privacy and allows us to instantly alert them if they’ve been in a location where Covid has been detected. The technology works. There’s just this one tiny glitch. 

“In a process we’re still investigating, the virus somehow translates to digital form and back meaning that all users’ smartphones, and indeed the cells of their body, are infected. So when the app says ‘Infection confirmed’ that’s not a bug. 

“On the positive side, we’re getting some fantastic data. Yes, we’ve doubled the number of UK infections and it’s only 11am, but you should see the screens in Dom’s control centre light up.” 

Hancock added: “I think it’s especially sad that Labour have condemned this app and said it should be shut down. What a slap in the face for frontline NHS nurses.”

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Five sayings twats think are clever but everyone has heard

DO you think you’re impressing people by quoting wise sayings? Check they’re not the following overused phrases and you actually sound like a twat.

‘Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake’

Very probably Napoleon, and used by twats to imply they are a brilliant military thinker too. It’s unlikely the self-made Emperor of France said it to sound clever while on his fifth pint of lager and watching a football match in the pub on Sky Sports.

‘If you tell a lie big enough, people will believe it’

Questionable, particularly if the source is not-very-stable dictator Adolf Hitler. Now just a cliche often used to describe the UK government’s pathetic lying, which supporters don’t believe anyway, they just love Brexit and hate immigration.

‘He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy’ 

Funny line by the Pythons, less hilarious when repeated for the zillion trillion gazillionth time. The sheer volume of repetition makes it pretty lame when using it in a relevant way to mock religion or someone important. It’s even worse if you just chuck it into conversations at random, like the less-funny brother of David Brent. 

‘A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting its shoes on’

Oh how deliciously apt for this era of fake news! Don’t worry that millions of other people have had exactly the same thought. In the unlikely event that you think you know who said it, claim extra twat points for misattributing it to Winston Churchill or Mark Twain when it was probably Jonathan Swift.

‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’

Leaving just an easy-peasy 999 miles and 5,278 feet to go. Familiar to anyone whose friends and relatives post bullshit motivational memes on Facebook, and often used to described something that is not an epic journey, eg. making a lasagne.