Sunday, 1st November 2020

New Covid tracing app gives you Covid, admits Hancock

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid. 

More than 400,000 people have already downloaded the NHS app which uses Bluetooth to track users but also, doctors have realised just slightly too late, infects you with coronavirus. 

Health minister Matt Hancock said: “First of all, before the usual carping, let me state that this app is a world-beating success. 

“It tracks users without violating their privacy and allows us to instantly alert them if they’ve been in a location where Covid has been detected. The technology works. There’s just this one tiny glitch. 

“In a process we’re still investigating, the virus somehow translates to digital form and back meaning that all users’ smartphones, and indeed the cells of their body, are infected. So when the app says ‘Infection confirmed’ that’s not a bug. 

“On the positive side, we’re getting some fantastic data. Yes, we’ve doubled the number of UK infections and it’s only 11am, but you should see the screens in Dom’s control centre light up.” 

Hancock added: “I think it’s especially sad that Labour have condemned this app and said it should be shut down. What a slap in the face for frontline NHS nurses.”