THE deadly new superbug that is going kill you by Friday is not even British, it emerged last night.
Experts say NDM-1 is from Pakistan or India or one of those hot places where people live piled on top each other and share the same piece of lavatory paper for a month.
According to medical journal The Lancet the bug found its way into British hospitals via UK residents who had gone to India for medical treatment as part of a growing trend that confirms the NHS really is fucked into a tinker’s bucket.
In a report that is already being photocopied by skinheads in Deptford, researchers said the foreign bug ‘invades’ host bacteria shortly after getting off a plane from Delhi or Islamabad.
Professor Julian Cook said: “There have only been 50 cases so far in the UK which means the country will be nothing more than a giant pile of rapidly decomposing flesh by two o’clock this afternoon.”
He added: “Because I’m a fucking scientist, that’s how.”
Meanwhile Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, frustrated by the total indifference to his cloned cow horseshit avalanche, is said to be running round the office like a toddler who has just been given a puppy that shits Milky Ways and ice cream.
A Mail insider said: “Hopefully the main carriers of the bug will be skanky Indian single mums who’ve just had abortions.”
Helen Archer, some bloody woman from Doncaster, said: “I’m so relieved it’s from Pakistan. My theory that they were all terrorists was starting to wear a bit thin, but now a scientist says they’re going to kill me with their bugs. I’m bullet proof.”
Tom Logan, a dick and two arms from Peterborough, said: “Can I just ask – who the fuck is going to India for an operation? Is there really that many people who would actively prefer to have their chest cut open in a country that still has typhoid?”
And Nikki Hollis, an empty space from Grantham, said: “Apparently India is a big centre for cosmetic surgery. Instead of a tummy tuck they inject some of the local cholera straight into your lower intestine and then you just shit yourself thin by the weekend. I’m very interested.”
Logan added: “I also heard on the radio that NDM-1 can only be treated with one or two types of antibiotics.
“So maybe those are the ones they should use.”
