New Superbug Is Foreign As Well

THE deadly new superbug that is going kill you by Friday is not even British, it emerged last night.

Experts say NDM-1 is from Pakistan or India or one of those hot places where people live piled on top each other and share the same piece of lavatory paper for a month.

According to medical journal The Lancet the bug found its way into British hospitals via UK residents who had gone to India for medical treatment as part of a growing trend that confirms the NHS really is fucked into a tinker’s bucket.

In a report that is already being photocopied by skinheads in Deptford, researchers said the foreign bug ‘invades’ host bacteria shortly after getting off a plane from Delhi or Islamabad.

Professor Julian Cook said: “There have only been 50 cases so far in the UK which means the country will be nothing more than a giant pile of rapidly decomposing flesh by two o’clock this afternoon.”

He added: “Because I’m a fucking scientist, that’s how.”

Meanwhile Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, frustrated by the total indifference to his cloned cow horseshit avalanche, is said to be running round the office like a toddler who has just been given a puppy that shits Milky Ways and ice cream.

A Mail insider said: “Hopefully the main carriers of the bug will be skanky Indian single mums who’ve just had abortions.”

Helen Archer, some bloody woman from Doncaster, said: “I’m so relieved it’s from Pakistan. My theory that they were all terrorists was starting to wear a bit thin, but now a scientist says they’re going to kill me with their bugs. I’m bullet proof.”

Tom Logan, a dick and two arms from Peterborough, said: “Can I just ask – who the fuck is going to India for an operation? Is there really that many people who would actively prefer to have their chest cut open in a country that still has typhoid?”

And Nikki Hollis, an empty space from Grantham, said: “Apparently India is a big centre for cosmetic surgery. Instead of a tummy tuck they inject some of the local cholera straight into your lower intestine and then you just shit yourself thin by the weekend. I’m very interested.”

Logan added: “I also heard on the radio that NDM-1 can only be treated with one or two types of antibiotics.

“So maybe those are the ones they should use.”


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O'Neill Quits Villa As Chairman Signs Subbuteo Figures

MARTIN O’Neill has quit as manager of Aston Villa after being asked to mould a trophy winning team out of tiny plastic figures who have to be flicked around the pitch.

Villa owner Randy Lerner told O’Neill that there was no money for new signings but that he had picked up the 1994 Brazil squad on Amazon for £14.99.

O’Neill said: “I was excited at first, though I was concerned that perhaps Bebeto and Romario would be past their best.

“But my fears were entirely misplaced because they turned out to be 12mm high and glued to a little rounded base.”

He added: “That said, some of these little plastic fellas are not bad, but in order for them to play to their full potential you would need someone who is really good at Subbuteo and the club just can’t afford that.”

Cash-strapped Villa is set to lose all its star players, as well as its squad players, utility players, reserve players and a really nice lamp from reception.

Meanwhile, local fork lift truck hire firm Uperlif has confirmed interest in the letters ‘s’ and ‘t’ from the club’s name.

Lerner said: “For £14.99 I would have been insane not to snap them up.

“World cup winners, still in excellent condition, though the goalkeeper has recently been glued back onto his little stick and I’m just not sure if that’s going it work.

“I’ve also asked the FA to consider changing the size of the regulation football. My new Aon Villa squad is world class but they do need to play with a ball that is roughly the same size as they are.”