THE NHS is to improve its performance in getting fat people to hospital by deploying long trails of Wotsits.
Under the plan fat out-patients with an appointment would have a Wotsit trail laid outside their house the night before.
The next morning they will receive a phone call from their local NHS trust urging them to open their door.
Officials believe that when the fat person sees the Wotsits they will summon the strength to devour them to within 15ft of the hospital at which point they can be lassoed and hauled into the building.
Health secretary Andrew Lansley said the cheesy trails would save taxpayers Â£2m a year in burst ambulances.
He added: “Unfortunately we still face the mountainous problem of what to do about fat emergencies.
“A fat person would follow a trail of Wotsits if they had been shot in the chest with a harpoon but in the event of an emergency you simply wouldn’t have enough time to get all the Wotsits in place.
“Therefore we’re costing-up various options including shire horses, four Chinook helicopters flying in tight formation or a very, very large catapult.
“For the walking wounded I’m thinking a pair of roller skates, a helmet, a water skiing rope and a Vespa.”