Nightclubs shit, everyone over 21 remembers

WITH nightclubs across England reopening their doors to the public, everyone over 21 has remembered how awful they are.

Popular complaints such as expensive drinks, horrible music and annoyingly drunk people were a distant memory thanks to the pandemic, but came flooding back as Freedom Day kicked off.

32-year-old Jack Browne said: “I actively avoided nightclubs before Covid happened, so I don’t know why I was excited to go to them now. Desperation, I suppose.

“But the truth is that going out after 11pm makes me exhausted, and the unrecognisable music will be a painful reminder that I’m totally out of touch with popular culture. Also I’m worried the youthful dancers will be visibly scared of my receding hairline.”

30-year-old Lucy Parry said: “If I wanted to be kept up all night by tinnitus-inducing noise while quietly hating my life I would have done what most people my age do and have kids.

“At least I could do that from the comfort of home, and I wouldn’t have to worry about whether I was wearing the right shoes.”

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Five amazing stories from history that we didn't fact check

LOVE history? Don’t care about it being 100 per cent correct, or even half correct? Here are five stories we didn’t fact check at all:

George Washington had wooden tits

Before the advent of plastic or metal, medical materials had to be made from wood – and that included breast implants. This American hero frequently wore them at parties and even while he was signing the Declaration of Independence. Fascinating.

Marie Antoinette said ‘Let me eat cake’

This French queen was famously empathetic, and after hearing of the plight of the starving peasantry, she decided to quit her diet and start eating cake again to show her gratitude for living in a fancy palace. From then on, everyone in Versailles cleaned their plate, or they were sent to the guillotine.

Nero played the synthesiser while Rome burned

Despite living in a villa, Nero was a huge fan of house. He took the sick beats of collapsing buildings and screaming citizens and turned them into a truly unforgettable dance track. Two thousand years later, we’re still waiting for the drop.

Abraham Lincoln improvised the Gettysburg Address

Turning up at the place where a fierce battle had been fought months previously, Lincoln had a raging hangover and hadn’t prepared anything to say. Luckily, he was a fantastic improviser and came up with ‘fourscore and seven years ago’ on the fly. He did an interpretive dance afterwards, but his secretary neglected to write the moves down for posterity.

Henry VIII had six legs

One of history’s most famous kings, Henry VIII, had to ask permission from the Pope to get an additional four legs added to his obese, turkey leg-bolstered frame. When the Vatican refused to recognise his request, England split from the Catholic Church and he established the Church of Scientology.