Non-smokers have no way to signal that sex is over

THE decline of smoking has left many Britons unsure when sex has finished.

80 per cent of the population are now non-smokers, with many now finding lovemaking confusingly open-ended.

Susan Traherne of Reading said: “Without sparking a fag there’s no way to draw a line between the sweaty beasts you were a moment ago and that nice couple who keep their garden neat.

“Technically the following day is still sex time so I can’t put proper pyjamas on, he’s still holding farts in, the whole thing is just so awkward.

“I now class my commute, working day and lunchtime sandwich as intimately post-coital.”

Office worker Roy Hobbs said: “Sex without cigarettes is like one of those American TV shows that gets cancelled at the end of the second season.

“Like that cowboy one with Ian McShane in it, it just stops rather abruptly. I need closure, dammit.”

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Daily Mail has all the properties it attributes to cannabis

THE Daily Mail and its website are addictive, paranoia-inducing and a gateway to more extreme forms of behaviour, according to experts.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies undertook a decade-long study of Mail users and discovered an across-the-board deterioration in mental health.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “”People start using the Mail and Mail Online for recreational purposes. They like the pictures of women in bikinis, ‘amazing 3D body art’ and big houses that are described as ‘the UK’’s most expensive’.

““But regular use leads to intense feelings of envy, paranoia and mental lethargy caused by being told what to think.

“”The Mail user begins to alienate themselves from their former social circle, perhaps joining a local vigilante group or simply sitting alone in the dark listening to Katherine Jenkins CDs.

“By that stage it’s only a matter of time before they are found frozen to death while attempting to have sex with a car.”