Man's puny exterior may mean he is extremely hard

31-YEAR-OLD Stephen Malley’s slight build has prompted speculation that he may be one of those small wiry hard men.

He has this quiet confidence

Sales administrator Malley, who is five feet five inches tall and weighs eight stone, has a gentle demeanour and no obvious interest in fighting.

His colleague Roy Hobbs said: “It’s the small ones you’ve got to look out for, and they don’t come much smaller than Steve. Clearly he’s hard as fuck.

“I bet he’s like one of those bantamweight boxers, or Bruce Lee.

“You know Bruce Lee was only four and a half feet tall.”

Tom Booker, who sits opposite Hobbs, added that there was a little guy who went to his gym who was a nutter on the bench press.

“There’s lots of big lads around these days but you can tell Steve would be like a terrier in a scrap, just getting all over them and biting their face and legs, like a bitey ninja.

“You can just tell.”

Malley, who plans to spend his weekend cooking a paella and visiting the local arts cinema, remains unaware of his reputation as a small pale death machine.

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Premier League fantasising about moving abroad

THE Premier League is talking about upping sticks and starting a new life in America.

America has a better class of mascot

Despite a successful life and career in the land of its birth, the league has told friends it feels stuck in a rut and is anxious to have one big adventure before it gets too old or decides to have children.

A Premier League spokesman said: “I think moving to the States would really get us out of our comfort zone and make us discover who we really are. It’d be just like Eat Pray Love.

“We could probably sleep on Major League Soccer’s sofa for a few weeks while we get sorted out, and after that, who knows?

“The food portion sizes are massive and we’d probably make more money there too.

“We’d be considered classy eccentrics, like the sporting behemoth equivalent of a young Hugh Grant.”

Tom Logan, a long-time follower of the Premier League, said: “This happens every few years.

“A while ago it was taking Spanish lessons. Before that it was talking about travelling the world in a sailboat.

“Give it six months and they’ll have moved on to buying a second home in Dubai.”

Logan added that the Premier League would never actually move to America, as there’s no way it could survive without Sky Sports.