Being overweight ‘can cause sanctimonious, idiotic advice’

BEING overweight can lead to bad advice from idiots who are suddenly experts on diet and exercise.

Researchers found that obesity causes 82 per cent of thin people to start giving sanctimonious, ill-informed instructions in a weirdly angry way.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Obese people make others feel irrationally superior, as though being thin is an amazing achievement, like becoming an astronaut.

“The thin people will immediately offer incredibly bad and potentially dangerous advice such as only eating hard-boiled eggs, cutting out soup from your diet, or eating nothing but soup.

“They may also reveal that jogging leaves you in a wheelchair and the best sport for weight loss is golf.”

He added: “The advice is given in a pious way that also implies the obese person is a weak-willed cake-pig who’s trying to bankrupt the NHS.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m particularly grateful to my colleague Helen for constantly reminding me it’s just a matter of willpower, despite being a lazy cow who goes out for a cigarette 15 times a day.”

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Children's top job is striking tube driver

CHILDREN want to grow up to be tube train drivers refusing to work pending negotiations, it has emerged.

More than half of five-to-11-year-olds surveyed said they want to be underground drivers because they want the ability to paralyse a major city.

Eight-year-old Stephen Malley of Hounslow said: “I’d make the big choo-choo go really fast, getting all the men to work on time, then I’d draw angry signs with my coloured pens and picket head office.

“Then I’d go home and play with my friends and enjoy the sunshine.”

The children have been fondly indulged by London residents, who hopes they fulfil their dreams because they don’t mind the inconvenience in the least.

Tube driver Bill McKay said: “When I was a little boy we’d line up all my wooden trains outside the Fat Controller’s station and refuse to run a night service.

“Of course, we always ended up tying him to the tracks and running Gordon the Big Engine over him a few times, then leading a Marxist revolution bringing the Isle of Sodor’s bloated capitalist government to its knees.

“Then we would all eat biscuits until we felt ill.”