Obesity Caused By 'Infected Buns'

FATNESS is contagious and can be caught from contaminated cakes, buns and sausages, according to new research.

Biologists at Dundee University have discovered that many foods are filled with fat germs that can be passed on to unsuspecting humans.

Once infected a fat person can then pass their fat germs on to thin people by coughing, sneezing, touching and licking.

Project leader Dr Henry Brubaker said: "If you know a fat person, the chances are they are teeming with microscopic fatness.

"Unless they wash their hands or use a hanky you too could become chunky within hours. And without antibiotics you will soon turn into a big fat pig."

Describing chocolate chip cookies as the "new mosquitoes" Dr Brubaker added: "We believe the time is right for fat people to be quarantined. What about cramming them into disused churches?

"If they do have to venture outside they should be confined to plastic bubbles. Perhaps their friends could volunteer to roll them down the street."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Smell Of Piss Removed From Trains By 2014

THE unbearable stench of stale urine will be removed from all mainline and suburban rail services by 2014, the transport secretary said yesterday.

Ruth Kelly said Network Rail will spend £1bn a year in a massive nationwide programme to make Britain's trains almost entirely piss-free.

Kelly told MPs: "Traveling by train in this country used to be a piss-free delight. Who can forget the Railway Children or Ivor the Engine's annual trip to the seaside?

"But thanks to decades of Tory cutbacks our railways became so bad that Michael Palin was forced to leave this country and make television programmes about foreigners."

She added: "If we are going to cram thousands of people onto tiny trains, the least we can do is make sure they do not have to endure the unremitting stench of piss."

Kelly said the government would introduce modern, high-speed trains as soon as they had been stolen from France.


  • The phased removal of arseholed Glaswegians by 2012

  • A state-of-the art 200 mile long train which will take four seconds to travel from Kings Cross to York

  • Small groups of happy children will be employed to wave handkerchiefs at trains on the West Coast mainline

  • Every rural line to be used in an episode of Hetty Wainthrop Investigates

  • Fares to rise in line with inflation. In Zimbabwe.