...oh And By The Way, There's Plague In China

THREE people in China have died from the plague, if anyone's interested, the World Health Organisation said last night.

WHO officials stressed that it was not as if some Mexicans had got the flu and was really nothing to worry about.

A spokesman said: "It's only China. Even if they were to close their borders you're still just talking about a risk to maybe a billion people, 1.3 billion at a push.

"If – somehow it was able to spread to nearby countries, it's still only 72 million Koreans, 128 million Japanese, 140 million Russians and about a billion Indians. And India is totally set-up to deal with plague, so we're not fussed."

He added: "It's not as if the western world is importing huge amounts of stuff made by undernourished Chinese peasants in dirty factories."

In Britain health officials stressed that plague was really easy to handle as the carrier fleas would not bite you if you had recently washed your hands or blown your nose into a fresh handkerchief.

Dr Tom Logan, of the British Medical Association, said: "If you've been to China recently and are feeling a bit plaguey, eat an apple, maybe drink some Lucozade, but otherwise go to work as normal and feel free to rub yourself against people on the tube."

A department of health spokesman added: "Meh, it's just a bit of plague. Here in Britain we have a proud history of plague immunity, or 'Black Death' to give it its comedy nickname."

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Entire UK Population Fails Citizenship Test

NO-ONE in the UK has passed the government's tough new citizenship test, with 85% of the country claiming that Winston Churchill is an artificial dog.

The test, designed to weed out communists and angry brown people who hate the army, featured questions on British history, social etiquette and the films of Norman Wisdom.

No one did well enough to stay in the country, although a Japanese tourist who accidentally wandered into the examination hall did manage to scrape a D minus.

Home secretary Alan Johnson must now choose between evacuating the British Isles or putting everyone in a form of after-school detention, where they will receive compulsory patriotism lessons from terrifying, gout-addled former wing commanders.

A Home Office spokesman said: "Despite making it multiple choice, putting the right answers in a slightly bigger font and letting people use the internet, everyone somehow managed to fuck this up.

"Seventy percent of the candidates thought that D-Day was a urine-based gay sex act, and that the Great War was so called because it was 'the most enjoyable war that had yet occurred'."

Jack Easton, a civil engineer from Kent who took the test last week, said: "I knew that Winston Churchill worked for an insurance company, but then I screwed up the bit about how it's best if the Labour Party decides what freedom of speech is."

He added "Eventually I just gave up and carved 'Dan C is a gaylord' in the desk with a compass, then spent the last half hour slapping myself on the forehead with a plastic ruler."