Oh no darling, will you have less holiday? say straight-faced parents

PARENTS have reacted to school summer holidays being cut to five weeks with an outpouring of feigned sympathy. 

Mums and dads across the Barnsley area have expertly pretended to commiserate with their disappointed children who must go back to school a week early.

Father-of-three Tom Booker said: “That is such a terrible shame, because I know you had really big plans for the summer.

“We were going to build that den, and draw that story you wrote about the Ewoks having a birthday party, and then of course there’s those long, long games of football where I’m in goal and not allowed to save.

“Mummy and Daddy will miss you though, just like we miss you every night when you go to bed and we only have each other for company.”

Son George Booker said: “I reminded him that it means I get two weeks in October and his face went really slack, like it does when I tell him Granny’s coming to stay.

“Poor Daddy. Maybe if I hit him a lot with a lightsaber it would cheer him up.”

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Dogs refuse to recognise other dogs’ right to exist

DOGS are continuing to loudly resist the rights of other dogs to exist in the same street, park or garden as them. 

Despite international condemnation, tensions between dogs of all different breeds seem set to continue indefinitely in a grim cycle of violent yapping and straining at the lead.

Mary Fisher, chair of the Canine Truth And Reconciliation Commission, said: “The key sticking-points are rights to territorial urination, rights to sticks, and the ongoing religious dispute about who is a ‘good boy’.

“We’re currently working towards a half-million state solution, where all dogs agree to live non-violently in separation from all other dogs and angry barking is allowed only in annual ceremonial parades.

“However, every day there’s a new report of a Staffy going for a Labradoodle and we have to start again.”

She added: “The roots of the problem go back centuries. Dogs are gripped by an anti-dogite fervour and cannot understand they’re all the same under the fur.

“I fear they will never know peace.”