Old jar of lime pickle desperately needs to go in bin

THE ancient jar of lime pickle in your fridge door must be thrown away immediately, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies said the pickle has long since ‘gone a bit weird’ and is not edible even if you give it a stir.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “That pickle is older than your dog. Ask yourself, how many times a year do I actually consume lime pickle?

“You threw out the ambitiously-purchased harissa pasta, so why cling to the pickle dream?

“The bin is only a few feet away. Do it.”

Professor Brubaker added that there may even be another opened jar of lime pickle kicking around in the back of the fridge, bearing the label of a corner shop chain that went bust in 2011.

Householder Stephen Malley said: “I’ve got a jar of lime pickle that I call ‘Old Greenie’. We’ve been through two divorces together.

“These scientists don’t think of the emotional bond you can have with out-of-date condiments.”


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First date goes well after nobody tells an ounce of truth

A MAN has had his best first date ever after completely concealing the majority of his personality. 

After drinks at a bar some distance away from his regular Wetherspoons, Wayne Hayes took his date to an award-winning film that wasn’t about revenge or illegal car racing. 

Hayes said: “She seemed to really like whoever it was she had a night out with, so I’m going to have to write a biography of who I’m meant to be so I don’t accidentally behave normally in front of her.

“I’m not even sure she thinks I’m called Wayne – I think I chose a more dynamic name like Jonah or Sprint.”

38-year-old Nikki Hollis confirmed that her date with Hayes went really well, and that her actual name is Lynn and she is not 27. She hopes to go on a second date where she can do things she’ll claim she never normally does on a second date.

She said: “Sprint and I really bonded over our mutual love of opera, which I think is the one with all the dancing in it.

“I love the early part of a relationship where it’s all about memorising the carefully-constructed bullshit you’ve both concocted.”