Only thing that causes cancer is fags, Britain tells scientists

SMOKING is the only thing that causes cancer and everything else is fine, Britain has told annoying scientists.

Following new evidence that processed food increases the risk of cancer, Britons have laid down the law about what further claims they are interested, and not interested, in hearing.

Norman Steele, from Guildford, said: “Smoking fags-  yes. Other people’s fags – possibly. Smoking while drunk – highly debatable. But, either way, the discussion wouldn’t necessarily anger me.

“Bread? Nah. Ready meals? Fuck off. Crisps? Absolutely and completely fuck off.

“Red wine increases your risk of being middle-class, but not cancer. And isn’t necking a bottle of vodka every night dangerous enough, without throwing cancer into the mix?

“And with respect, even if Pot Noodles and Cup-O-Soup are carcinogenic, one look at the people who survive on those and cancer’s the least of their problems.”

Scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “One day, eating a bag of Pickled Onion Mega Monster Munch will be as socially unacceptable as smoking.

“I know. I hate myself.”