Boris Johnson unveils sock puppet sidekick

BORIS Johnson will use his Brexit speech today to introduce Little Boris, a puppet on his right hand that foolishly supports Remain. 

The puppet, which speaks in squeaks only Johnson can understand, will advance arguments for a second referendum and staying in the single market which its master will patiently but thoroughly demolish. 

Johnson said: “What’s that, Little Boris? You don’t think that the electorate voted against staying in the customs union on June 23rd, 2016? 

“But that would mean we couldn’t make groundbreaking free trade deals with our friends across the world, wouldn’t it? And we voted for freedom, didn’t we? 

“Damage our economy? Oh Little Boris, you’re such a silly dunderpate. A hard Brexit would turbocharge our economy by finally giving Britons the motivation to succeed!

“Shall we draw some red lines for the EU? Here’s your chalk. No, not on my face! Little Boris, you’re a cheeky, cheeky boy!” 

Nathan Muir, a Brexit voter from Lincoln, said: “This is what I’ve been waiting for.” 

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Reading Festival fans outraged that none of the bands are shit enough

ROCK fans have criticised the Reading Festival line-up for not including enough genuinely shit bands. 

The festival, which traditionally books the most moribund rock acts of the moment to end the season on a total downer, has sparked anger by instead choosing relevant acts like Kendrick Lamar.

Rocker Tom Logan said: “Dua Lipa, Skepta… honestly, if it wasn’t for the Kings of Leon there’d hardly be a shit act on the bill.

“The Killers are bringing their intensely mediocre set of 00s hits to a host of festivals this year.  Why not Reading? What about the Arctic Monkeys?

“And, most of all, where is  Liam Gallagher? Our Crown Prince of piss-dull, holler-along turd-rock.

“For me there’s only Sum 41, The Wombats, and up-and-coming crapsters Wolf Alice that really belong at Reading. The rest are just too decent.

“I’ll still throw bottles of piss at them.”