BORIS Johnson will use his Brexit speech today to introduce Little Boris, a puppet on his right hand that foolishly supports Remain.
The puppet, which speaks in squeaks only Johnson can understand, will advance arguments for a second referendum and staying in the single market which its master will patiently but thoroughly demolish.
Johnson said: “What’s that, Little Boris? You don’t think that the electorate voted against staying in the customs union on June 23rd, 2016?
“But that would mean we couldn’t make groundbreaking free trade deals with our friends across the world, wouldn’t it? And we voted for freedom, didn’t we?
“Damage our economy? Oh Little Boris, you’re such a silly dunderpate. A hard Brexit would turbocharge our economy by finally giving Britons the motivation to succeed!
“Shall we draw some red lines for the EU? Here’s your chalk. No, not on my face! Little Boris, you’re a cheeky, cheeky boy!”
Nathan Muir, a Brexit voter from Lincoln, said: “This is what I’ve been waiting for.”