Parents urged to stop wasting nice food on crap children

PARENTS have been urged to stop wasting healthy, home-cooked food on their dreadful children.

Studies show that more than 300 million freshly-made delicious family dinners are thrown away every year due to kids being dicks.

Mother of three, Sally Howard, said: “I spent three hours on an organic chicken casserole with seasonal roasted vegetables, done to perfection. My kids looked at it as if it was a dead sparrow and then looked at me like I was some kind of arsehole.

“So fuck it. Just give them all the shit that they actually want to eat and then you can have a proper meal, like a Chinese.

“My four-year-old’s having a jam sandwich for Sunday dinner.”

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Jar of cloves sentenced to life at back of cupboard for 'crime he didn’t commit'

A JAR of cloves has been sentenced to life at the back of a kitchen cupboard in what he described as a ‘grotesque miscarriage of justice’.

Martin Bishop, a professional, well-educated jar of cloves, insisted he is a victim of a ‘rotten, corrupt system’ and accused his jailer of being ‘obtuse’.

He said: “I was a well-respected member of a supermarket shelf in Stevenage until I was purchased by some halfwit who wanted to try something interesting with a honey baked ham.

“Consequently I arrive in his rather tired looking kitchen whereupon he unscrews the top of my head and realises that ‘cloves smell really weird’.

“None of this is my fault.”

He added: “Now I am incarcerated alongside a bottle of Daddy’s Sauce and two half-empty jars of plum chutney who seem intent on making me their ‘bitch’.”

After initially appearing aloof towards the other prisoners, Bishop is expected to strike up a close friendship with a wise jar of nutmeg and teach some bay leaves how to read.