MEMBERS of Parliament who criticised homeopathy have badly knotted chakras and are emitting an unhealthy purple aura, it was claimed last night.
As a committee of MPs said the not-medicine was 14 times less efficient than writing a letter to Jesus, homeopaths claimed the report had no credibility because it had not been buried for two weeks in a cocoon of damp horse chestnut leaves, directly over the right kind of ley line.
Not-Dr Julian Cook said: "The House of Commons is giving off the same aggressive, dark purple aura that you get from a GP's prescription or a box of paracetamol.
"These MPs have obviously neglected to re-mineralise their chakras but I can fix that with a simple course of quartz therapy and a tincture of henbane rubbed into their belly buttons. In exchange for some money."
The report could see government funding into the not-treatment being stripped back to £1 as according to homeopathic theory it will have the same effect as giving them £100 million.
Practitioners will apply for one penny of the new budget and then be advised to shake it vigorously in their bank account.
Committee member, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "Their account will 'remember' the millions we used to give them and they can then try to buy new clinics by telling the builders about all the money that used to be there."
But Wayne Hayes, a registered Chi masseur from Carlise, said: "If these MPs are so clever then how come homeopathy is endorsed not just by people who watch Most Haunted but by a wide range of actresses, pre-menopausal television presenters and the Prince of Wales?
"That shut you up, didn't it?"