Britain Wearily Learns What Olympic Skeleton Is

OCCASIONAL sports fans have begrudgingly fired up Wikipedia in an attempt to understand exactly what Amy Williams won a medal for.

Experts said that assumptions that Britain was not allowed to win medals at the winter Olympics, as well as curiosity over what Ms Williams would look like in the nip, has boosted the amount of shit the public has given.

Joanna Kramer, a sales manager from Grantham, said: "I thought she was careering about on an actual skeleton, like a scene from that Norman Wisdom film where Norman is delivering milk to a medical school that overlooks a skating rink.

"I kept thinking, 'yes, I probably could be persuaded to donate my body to science, but not to sledging'."

British interest in the winter games has now eclipsed its previous high when Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards became a minor celebrity by sliding slowly off the end of a ramp.

Charlie Reeves, an armchair enthusiast from Carlisle, said: "I assumed 'skeleton' meant you had to be really skinny, but she's a big girl with excellent tits. It all looks a bit like falling down a laundry chute to me, but I suppose you still have to learn how to do it."

He added: "If you'll excuse me I have to go and find out how you win at curling, as we might be onto something there too.

"Come to think of it I curled something on ice myself, after the office Christmas party. It was a four-mile walk home and I think the chicken drumshapes must have been off."


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'Grease' disgusting

THE musical Grease is absolutely disgusting, a new generation of parents has suddenly remembered.

As Channel 4 screened the classic movie, parents across the country said they had a lovely time explaining the significance of a broken condom to thousands of curious eight year-olds.

Tom Logan, a father of two from Peterborough, said: “The alarm bells first started ringing when I heard the phrase ‘flog your log’.

“When you see Grease for the first time that sort of thing just washes over you, but 25 years later when you’re watching it on a Sunday after building a snowman in the back garden you immediately think ‘that dirty bitch is talking about wanking in front of my kids’.”

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said he had forgotten that the song Grease Lightning was a ‘litany of industrial grade filth’, adding: “As well as a rhyming couplet involving ‘shit’ and ‘tit’, we discover that the car in question is to be transformed into a ‘pussy wagon’.

“I wish you could have seen the look of scepticism on my seven year-old’s face as I tried to explain to her that these young men were going to use the car to round-up stray kittens and then find them a loving home.”

Helen Archer, from Finsbury Park, said: “We managed to dodge the wanking bullet and the condom unpleasantness but then Danny Zuko announced that Grease Lightning will be so impressive ‘the chicks will cream’.

“Within seconds my five year-old daughter Maisie, bless her, was tugging at my sleeve asking ‘where will the chicks be creaming mummy?’.

“After a silent pause – which seemed to last for a year – I decided to simply tell her the truth and mumbled ‘at the gash, sweety pie… at the gash’.”

She added: “Still, it was good of Channel 4 to put it on in the afternoon so it didn’t clash with In the Night Garden.”

Tom Logan said: “Grease is a little strong at times, but it does at least carry the wonderful message that if you want the man of your dreams all you have to do is abandon your values and dress up like a prostitute.”