WANT your extra jab of anti-Covid juice? So does everyone else. Here’s how to secure your immunity:
Enter cheat codes on the NHS website
Everyone above 30 is waiting for an appointment like they’re waiting for Adele tickets, so you’ll be stuck for hours – unless you know the cheats. Plug an Xbox controller into your laptop and press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, and A, and wham – you’ve unlocked an appointment within 30 minutes.
Pay £900 on VivaGoGo
As ever, the scalpers and their bots have got in first, so now the only way to get a booster is to pay ridiculous prices on the secondary market. Pfizer and Moderna jabs will set you back a few hundred, but if Christmas has left you a bit short there’s always AstraZeneca.
Suck off a roadie
Just like getting backstage at a Ronan Keating gig, the surest way is to offer sexual favours to a roadie. In this case they’re not hairy-arsed men called Spider but pensioners who’ve volunteered to join the jabs army, but don’t let that deceive you. You’ll get your vaccine if you submit to their deviant desires.
Wait to be invited
It’s so gauche to rush in and demand your shot. Instead sit back, enjoy a martini and wait for your gilt-edged invitation to arrive in the post. It might take a while but you’ll have shown you stand above the immune herd, even if by the time they get round to you everyone will be immunised against the Sigma variant.
You’re not a religious person, but God famously doesn’t hold grudges. He’ll respect your change of heart and welcome you to the flock by manifesting an appointment at a time and place that suits you then send you an email confirmation. Alternatively, He might decide to continue not existing.
Volunteer at a vaccination centre
There’s plenty of vaccines knocking around but a shortage of staff because some selfish monster has been underfunding the NHS for ten years. By stepping up you’ll get access to as many jabs as you like. However you would have to interact with an endless line of the general public, so serious illness could be preferable.