People who post gym selfies to receive vaccine last

PEOPLE who brag about meeting their ‘fitness goals’ are to be punished by receiving the Covid-19 vaccine last.

The plans to withhold the vaccine from people who talk endlessly about how they love to ‘lift’ and ‘get their sweat on’ were based on research finding that gym braggarts are the least sympathetic group in the UK.

A government policy adviser said: “We have to divide society up in some way when rolling out the initial vaccine, and we’ve chosen to go with key workers and the most vulnerable first, with unbearable twats coming last in line.

“That means people who enjoy showing off to their tens of Instagram followers about ‘eating clean’ and ‘getting ripped’ may regret obsessively reducing their body fat percentage to the point where they look like Skeletor.

“As well as absolute tools who enjoy exercising in front of a mirror, the last stage of the vaccine rollout will be offered to anyone who asks women when they’re going to have a baby.”


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Grown man still refers to genitals as 'Mr Winky'

A WOMAN is exasperated by her husband’s continued use of childish slang to refer to his genitals, despite being a 41-year-old chartered accountant. 

Helen Muir described her growing frustration at husband Nathan’s inability to call his penis and testicles anything other than ‘Mr Winky and his two fat friends’.

Helen said: “Obviously it ruins a lot of things for us. Dirty talk is completely off the table. Whenever we’ve tried it, it sounds like he’s asked me to commit unspeakable acts on one of the Mr Men.

“I presume it stems from some deeply buried childhood trauma but it’s very hard to sympathise when being asked if I’ll help Mr Winky stand to attention on the underpants parade ground.”

Nathan Muir said: “If you spent your entire working week studying tax loopholes, you’d want to vanish into the marvellous imaginary world of your genitals too.”