Put cancer in e-cigarettes, say non-smokers

NON-SMOKERS would prefer electronic cigarettes to be fatal, it has emerged.

Smoking abstainers are calling for e-cigarettes to contain deadly and debilitating chemicals to allow them to continue feeling smug.

Non-smoker Tom Logan said: “My neighbour has a much better job than me and a far more attractive girlfriend, but as he’s a smoker I could always take comfort in the thought of him dying an agonising death.

“Recently however he started using e-cigarettes, so now he probably won’t have a leg amputated or get lung cancer.

“His clothes don’t stink, I never see him shivering out in the garden and if anything he’s smoking more.

“I definitely think they should put cancer in e-cigarettes. That or something worse, like bubonic plague or toxic waste that makes you turn into a monster.”

Office manager Donna Sheridan agreed: “Now that all my smoker mates are using supposedly harmless e-fags, I’ve had to start hanging around crack houses to feel better than others.

“But I keep getting my purse stolen and if you’re not interested in crack they really don’t have much else to talk about.”