Queen finally realises she is ruler of a country of twats

THE Queen has finally realised that she is the head of state of a country of selfish, credulous dickheads. 

After 69 years ruling Britain it has taken a pandemic and widespread vaccine refusal for Her Majesty to at last understand how unbearably dense her subjects are. 

She said: “Oh. So it’s that simple. The people of Britain are, by and large, arseholes. 

“I suppose the evidence was always there, but I chose not to see it. I focused on the positives. I preferred to believe the best of you. 

“But when a virus has killed 122,070 people in this country alone, even though we’ve been locked down for a year, and a vaccine is available, and you’re choosing not to take it because of an idiot osteopath on YouTube, I regret the conclusion is inescapable. 

“All these years I’ve been representing Britain on the world stage. I’ve met five Popes. And all that time they were pitying me, a bright, capable woman, monarch of an island of thick wankers.” 

She added: “Abdicate? And leave Charles in charge? The last thing we need is a twat leading the twats.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Don't read the article: How to write a moronic internet comment

DO you feel compelled to share your gormless thoughts online? Here’s how to sound like the thousands of morons found in the average comments section.

Don’t read the article

Scrolling past the actual article is the quickest way to leave a stupid comment. Don’t even read the headline, just start hammering your keyboard. It’s like joining friends in a pub, not finding out what they’re talking about, and starting a totally random conversation about anal polyps or Top Cat.

Bring up the Nazis

It’s only a matter of time until the Nazis appear in the comments, so mention them at the earliest possible opportunity. Don’t even try to weave them into what the article’s about. An explanation of Albert Speer’s vision for Berlin posted under the Guardian’s blind date will do the job nicely.

Distort the content to be offended

The article may have been written by a professional journalist and checked by an editor, but there’s always room to misinterpret the facts if you wilfully distort them. Everyone will call you a hopelessly misinformed idiot, but as such there’s a slim chance you’ll get a gig with the BBC to provide ‘balance’. 

Disregard spelling and punctuation

Using ‘their’ instead of ‘they’re’ and playing fast and loose with full stops are the oldest tricks in the moronic comment playbook. If you want to stand out from the crowd though, have the audacity to correct someone else’s grammar and spelling by saying ‘Your wrong their’.

Believe your comment is very important

If you regularly add your thoughts to internet articles you’re slightly mad anyway, so take the whole thing incredibly seriously. Whatever you type will be ludicrous because you’re futilely trying to make a serious point with ranting nutters, and possibly comments written by an algorithm.