Running addicts warned not to try anything pleasant

IF you can get addicted to something as awful as running you should definitely not try cocaine, according to experts.

Millions of Britons are now unable to function unless they run to the point of exhaustion at least three times a week, prompting concern that if they tried something nice they would go absolutely mental for it.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “If your life is so devoid of sensual pleasure that you become obsessed with moving around quickly, you would find a cigarette mind-shatteringly delicious.

“Even a normal biscuit like a Hob Nob could cause you to have a massive orgasm then be unable to stop thinking about getting more biscuits.

“And don’t even think about going near recreational drugs.”

However runner Stephen Malley said: “It’s not just the rush of endorphins, or having an excuse to wear trainers over the age of 30, it’s being able to do running events for good causes.

“I expect most of my colleagues would frown on it if I asked for £5 sponsorship to smoke loads of crack.”