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Seven British beaches too polluted to swim at and why they're all voting Reform

MANY stretches of British coastline have water quality so poor swimming is not recommended. Here they are, and here’s why they’re voting far-right: 

Clacton (Groyne 41), Essex

The seat of Nigel Farage, Reform’s leader, CEO and only real member, also enjoys a beach flooded with sewage just by its unpleasant pier. Its residents would like a Reform council as well because then their own turds would become foreigners’ fault.

Scarborough South Bay, North Yorkshire

Where does the pollution in this unswimmable bay come from? Sewage, seabirds, dogs, local industry and the harbour. How can that be fixed? By electing a party who say ‘all that’s fine, it’s just like the 70s’ and order children to paddle or get a bloody clout.

Dymchurch, Kent

This town’s voted Tory for decades, gave Labour a try in 2024 and still has waters filthier than the bit behind the Wetherspoon’s smoking area where the regulars piss. Have they really any other option than fascism?

Bognor Regis, West Sussex

Britain’s joint-worst seaside resort has to be right-wing to counterbalance Brighton’s eco-communism further down the coastline. Anyway, the sea is for monitoring constantly with binoculars in case of small boats, not for pleasure.

Lyme Regis Church Cliff Beach, Dorset

Once where Mary Anning found fossils, the beach is now a wonderful hunting ground for human faeces sourced from the many ‘accidental’ sewage spills in the River Lim. Can you find your own? Okay, well would you consider electing a proud local racist instead?

Burnham Jetty North, Somerset

This beach has been a home for sewage for so long, it has become a venerable tradition cherished by the townfolk and celebrated with an annual festival. If liberals are threatening that way of life? They must vote for a party that will protect it.

Blackpool North, Blackpool

The original and best. Your great-grandfather swam in the sea here among the bobbing excrement, contributing to an early death which he pronounced ‘preferable to Blackpool’. Nothing has changed and it’s in pleasing harmony with what’s on the shore. Honestly, if Reform can’t win here it’s like people don’t want shit.

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UK trains best enjoyed four beers in

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough. 

A study of the UK’s trains, from rural routes to commuter trains, shows that once eight or more units of alcohol have been consumed it becomes a magical ride of stimulating new destinations, mysterious announcements and meetings with strangers.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There’s nothing wrong with our overpriced, antiquated rail network that can’t be fixed by the warm fuzziness of aluminium-wrapped alcohol.

“Once lightly pissed, being in a long box fired randomly across the countryside becomes a mellow experience. Your slumped face can vibrate against the windows in a happy haze, just as the Victorians intended when they built them whacked-out on laudanum.

“Stations drift past cheerfully. The couple you’re unwillingly sharing a table with become fascinating. Even the toilets are fine when you’re urinating as freely and erratically as all their previous users.

“Whether the night train to Aberdeen, the 4.35pm to Didcot Parkway or a 6.30am commuter train into Liverpool Street, it’s just like mother said: booze is best.”

Market analyst Helen Archer said: “I drank a bottle of prosecco on the way to work in Leeds and woke up in Llanelli. So same as normal, but with prosecco.”

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