Shut up, say experts

PEOPLE who experience traumatic events should just shut up, researchers said last night.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said he had better things to do than sit around listening to someone going on and on about some ghastly thing or other.

He said most of the stuff was incredibly dull as it almost always involved people he had never met, although he did once hear a good one involving a dwarf, a skateboard and a freak decapitation.

He added: “For 30 years we believed the best way to get over something was to go on and on about it. Not any more.”

“Having thought about it again we would be a lot happier if you just shut your stupid face.

“It would not be so bad if we knew at least one of the characters involved, or if you put a little effort into creating some kind of narrative arc.

“But it’s always some loser banging on about the horror of witnessing the death of their entire family in some random event. God, how many times have I heard that one?”

He added: “One lady last week told me that her parents got immolated after their Toyota Prius broke down and got run over by a petrol tanker.

“I tried to lighten the mood. No sense of humour.”

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Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You're feeling great and it shows! Why is everyone pointing? Have they never seen a penis on a bus before?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Spend some time today taking care of small tissues around the home.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Don’t play safe. Sometimes you have to ruffle some feathers to get what you want. Especially if it’s chicken sex!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Feel like you'll never find your true soulmate among the frogs and dullards? It’s hard to see why.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You find yourself getting into arguments with just about everyone today. Yes, you do.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

It might be wise for you to lie low a bit this week. The photofit is not perfect but it’s still a good likeness. Good job she did not get a look at your face!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Be generous with your time when a troubled friend needs your undivided attention. You never know, there might be a shag in it!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Make sure you keep the promises you make to your sweetheart. It doesn’t matter how expensive those shoes are. She won’t do that again until you buy them!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Going through old emails will remind you of someone from your past, and you may feel the impulse to contact them again. Think hard! Isn’t that a breach of your probation?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Your chatty nature does get on some friends' nerves occasionally but today it’s getting on everyone’s. Shut the fuck up.

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