Sir, you have angered Kent

THE county of Kent has informed Boris Johnson that he has aroused its wrath and must therefore relinquish his position. 

The announcement of the new tiers, with picturesque Kent villages placed in Tier 3 due to no more than a handful of miscreants, has forced the county’s hand. 

Alderman of Kent Denys Finch Hatton said: “We’ve been bracketed with Manchester. With Newcastle. With Slough. Mister Johnson, this will not stand. 

“Sir, a libertine and a liar you may be, but you are of the right stock so your excesses have been tolerated until now. But Kent? What were you thinking, man? 

“Do what you will to London. Surrey, and even Suffolk, are their own affair. The Garden of England, however, will not be besmirched by a mere mountebank. 

“I advise you to have your valise packed by the front door of Number 10. And if you fail to do right by our county, you will be ejected forthwith. 

“Come New Year’s Day I and the Ashford Valley Tickham Hunt shall mount up, ride out and see you torn apart by our hounds. It is no less than what you have earned.” 

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'I'll tell my dad on you', and other playground rules for grown-ups

YOU’RE probably glad the brutal days of the playground are long gone. But could playground rules be handy in adult life? Here are some classic childhood phrases to try.

‘I know you are, but what am I?’

Have you f**ked up at work and your boss is accusing you of being ‘incompetent’? Use this classic rejoinder and repeat as necessary. You may appear childish but will have deflected the blame and won this latest bout of office dick-waving.

‘Itchy chin’ (also ‘Jimmy Hill’, ‘Jimmy chin’ and ‘Chinny reckon’)

Try any of the myriad regional variations of this enduring 80s bon mot, which means someone is fibbing. Do you suspect Rob from IT is spinning a line about how long reconfiguring the data centre will take? Unleash ‘Chinny reckon’ and he’ll be telling the truth in no time.

‘Heads I win, tails you lose’

In a domestic setting, are you faced with an impasse such as deciding who goes to the supermarket or takes the bins out? This mind trick of near-Jedi proportions will see you right every time. It does depend on your partner being a gormless twat, so it’s not totally win-win.

‘I’ll tell my dad on you’

Confronted by an angry driver after scraping his car in the Tesco car park? The doubt sown by the possibility that your dad – actually 80 years old with chronic COPD – might get involved could give you enough time to get the f**k out of there without your assailant taking a note of your number plate.

‘My dad’s bigger than your dad’

You’re having a dispute with your neighbour after he damaged your fence and he’s telling his dad (see above). But you can trump it with this threat, until the physical state of both your dads becomes apparent. Maybe you should deal with this like grown-ups? Yes. Although your neighbour is still a big poop face.