COUNTRY walks and meditation aren’t the only boosters for mental health. These easy everyday activities also bring wonderful benefits:
Skiving work
Weekends and holidays are obviously great ways to destress, but can’t compare to the full-body feel-good sensation of emailing your boss at 8.58am to say you won’t be in today, as it slowly sinks in you’ve got a whole day to nothing but piss about and it’s all paid for by them. Buddhist monks take lifetimes to achieve such inner peace.
Scrolling your phone
The negative effects of scrolling are over-exaggerated. Swiping through endless comedy clips, cute animals and thirst traps floods your brain with dopamine. It’s incredible. They only say it’s bad for you because they hate you being this happy which it why they’re trying to ban teens from doing it.
Eating a takeaway
Nobody eats salad when they’re sad. That’s because it lacks the ingredients the body needs to cheer up, like BBQ sauce and flame-grilled patties. Jabbing your phone until a burger arrives is good for your soul plus means no washing-up. Therapists who don’t recommend báhn mí should be struck off for gross negligence.
Not journaling
Journaling involves confronting your inner demons and writing them down in a little book. How could that work? Cataloguing everything you hate? You’ll feel much better if you don’t bother. If you must put pen to paper, try doodling a knob or a pair of tits instead. That always raises a smile.
Remaining physically inactive
Exercise is tiring, expensive and frequently results in physical harm. Lying on the sofa, in contrast, is safe and comfortable. Pair that with a TV and a grab bag of Doritos, and you’ve created a sanctuary more tranquil than a sensory deprivation tank. Fashion a catheter from your groin to the toilet and you’ve achieved nirvana.
