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Job hunting in this market impossible, says teen without CV

A 18-YEAR-OLD who has made no effort to find any kind of job has decided his unemployment is down to global economic factors far beyond his control. 

Josh Hudson is one of of more than a million Neets across the nation, who is unable to study for A-levels because he dropped out and cannot get onto any training courses despite spending hours every day sitting on his arse watching TikTok.

Josh explained: “I saw a video about how it’s not actually my fault that I don’t have a job, and the reason no one has knocked on my door and asked if I want one is because of AI nicking them all.”

“It’s literally impossible to get an entry-level job these days. They all expect you to have experience. My mum says the local pub wants a dishwasher but as I pointed out, when have I ever washed a dish? They’d throw me in the deep end with no training.

“Also, I was brought up to respect myself, and all this grovelling around looking for paid work reminds me of slavery. Which is wrong.”

Mum Donna says: “He can’t get LinkedIn, because it’s intrusive personal surveillance by the US tech-industrial complex selling his facial data to Palantir.

“Thank f**k for the AI revolution, I say. They’ll get shit done.”

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Boards of Canada, and other artists great for working to because they're so ignorable

HEADPHONES in the office? But real, good music too distracting? These meticulous peddlers of dullness have created oeuvres with your eight-hour shift in mind: 

Brian Eno

Eno’s perfect for bashing out a pitch deck like you’re in an airline lounge without any of the holiday thrill, having invented music for that exact purpose. Any of his ambient works will soothe the mind so thoroughly you’ll forget you ever had a life outside this office, this screen, these thankfully noise-cancelled colleagues.

Boards of Canada

Allusions to Satanism, Wicca, and childhood fireside memories could be interesting. But channelled through wordless instrumental trip-hop that’s wispy enough to make the office fan sound like a punk explosion? Even a manager’s verbal warning will feel like part of the duo’s hallucinatory sound collage, and equally unimportant.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor

Despite boasting a thousand members and radical politics, this band highlights global injustice in the most ironic way possible by boring you into numbness. ‘That last song was about Gaza?’ you’ll think. ‘Weird. I’m not interested in it any more.’

Grouper

There’s a real power to instrument-and-voice work unless the artist smears the crap out of the production to sound like disappointed post-sex sighs. Still, Liz Harris’ constant ticker-tape of acoustic strums make you pound away on your keboard, sounding impressive until your Q2 report is titled “on dreams I’m moving through heavy water” and you’re fired.

James Blake

Blake crying over a laptop becomes easy background noise when you are busy doing the same yourself. His balladic warbling about lost human connection may as well be a dreadful sales manager moaning about AI taking his job, which you’ve learned to tune out anyway by scrolling LinkedIn. Which Blake might as well be singing.

The xx

The office gym bunnies champion high BPM music for work and play, so when you want that but only a little bit, there’s these heroes of downbeat indie. Their promise of a thumping bassline that never arrives is a great accompaniment for a day of clock-watching where 5pm never seems to actually come.

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