Smoothies contain dangerous levels of PR bullshit

THE amount of drivel on smoothie bottles could affect consumers’ mental health, it has been claimed.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that smoothie packaging contains an average 50bsgrams – the unit of measurement used to assess bullshit – exceeding government guidelines.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Smoothie makers plaster their products with glib crud about ‘love and hugs’, ‘meanie-free deliciousness’, ‘more refreshing than a box of monkeys’, that sort of crap.

“Usually it’s written in an nauseatingly pseudo-casual tone designed to evoke a sense of ‘matey-ness’.

“When bullshit exceeds a certain level, it has a very specific effect on the human brain, causing feelings of severe agitation and annoyance.”

Last year doctors identified a condition dubbed smoothiephrenia, where smoothie-makers’ ingratiating tripe triggers a psychotic state.

Professor Brubaker said: “A 38-year-old man called Roy Hobbs drove a stolen bus into the London offices of Organojoy Smoothies, whose slogan was ‘Full of win’.

“He then killed himself by repeatedly headbutting a wall until his frontal lobe caved in. His wife said he’d read the phrase ‘yum alert’ on a smoothie bottle and just wanted it out of his brain.

“Smoothie makers need to stop riding around their offices on scooters and start taking responsibility for the amount of psychic damage they’re doing.

“They must realise that consumers don’t want a relationship with them. They just want to metabolise the drink and go about their day.

“This also applies to people who make pies that come in little boxes.”

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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly

I feel terrible, having got unbelievably hammered, done a shameful sexy dance on a table and told everyone exactly what I think of them. I even assaulted someone. I’ll never be allowed back to the annual church garden fete. How can I undo this embarrassing social indiscretion and make it up to the vicar for breaking his jaw in three places?


Market Deeping

Dear Betty,

That sounds like the time Heather Pickles ate too many Sherbet Dib Dabs at playtime and shat in the art cupboard. Aside from the fact that she ruined a perfectly good pile of crepe paper, she also got skidmarks on our class Olympics frieze, and we had to completely re-do Chris Hoy’s face. Heather was sent to the headmaster’s office in lost property underpants; the entire class was forced to ruthlessly bully her for the rest of the term; and now she has an anxiety attack at the mere mention of liquorice.

Hope that helps!