Statins Free Up Time For Golf, Say Docs

STATINS are a wonder drug which allow doctors to spend an extra three afternoons a week on the golf course, the British Medical Association said last night.

Welcoming the decision to approve statins for 98% of all recognised medical conditions, the association predicted a noticeable improvement in tee to green performance over the next year.

A BMA spokesman said: "The five iron is a notoriously difficult club to master and too many doctors are still laying up short with a seven and then making an arse of their chip shot.

"It can ruin an otherwise decent round – meanwhile the average American doctor is carding in the mid 70s, week in, week out."

Statins were developed in the early 1980s as a fast and efficient way of clearing blocked drains. They are now used to treat a range of conditions including TB, cat flu and being British.

The spokesman added: "We're not making any promises about our putting – even the pros can go through bad patches. Look at Monty for God's sake."

Julian Cook, a GP from Peterborough, said: "Our patients come in with a big plastic jug and just help themselves from the wheelbarrow full of statins at the front door."

He added: "It's very handy because I'm club captain this year, so I only have time to look at the unusual stuff.

"But if someone does come in with a huge growth on the side of their head or an eye hanging out, I tend to put them on statins for a fortnight and then reassess."

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Winehouse Joins Ranks Of Great Literary Drug Addicts

SINGER-songwriter Amy Winehouse has taken her place in the pantheon of literature's greatest drug abusers.

Winehouse's work was included in a final year exam at Cambridge University alongside the opium-induced ramblings of William Blake, Samuel Taylor Coleridge and Edgar Allan Poe.

Undergraduates were given passages from Jerusalem, The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner and Back to Black and then asked to text their marks out of 10 to an 0800 number.

Tom Logan, professor of romantic poetry, said: "I've been having an affair with a 19 year-old French girl since October, so I'm not 100% sure what my students have been reading this year."

He added: "I've missed a lot of tutorials and haven't been able to set essay topics, but seriously, you should see this French bird. Jesus.

"Anyway, people seem to like Amy Winehouse, so I just bunged it in at the last minute."

Other questions in this year's paper included:

When Coleridge wrote 'In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn a stately pleasure dome decree', exactly how fucked up was he?

Which of Blake's visionary poems do you think were inspired by some seriously bad shit?

Thinking about the Amy Winehouse couplet, 'I don't ever wanna drink again / I just, ooh, I just need a friend', which of the following applies:

a) It's just a pop song
b) It's not very good
c) I've been paying three and a half grand a year for this?